Thursday, 25 December 2008
Sunday, 21 December 2008
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
X: no of course, what time do I have to be there?
J: well I'm taking him down to the church at 5.30 and it starts at 6pm
X: Ok. Can you save me 2 seats?
J: 2 seats? Why 2 seats?
X: because I'm bringing Rebecca.
J: Oh I see. I didn't realise that we were taking dates to our son's school play!
X: Oh well I just thought that since Rebecca's pregnant that it would be good for Zach to spend more time with her.
J: Really? Well I think he'd appreciate it more if he looked out and just saw his parents sitting together and proud of him. You and I are always going to be his mum and dad no matter how many other people you bring into his life
X: Oh yes you're right I'm sorry but you should have told me.
J: No - you should have asked!
X: Yes I messed up I'm sorry
J: ok but I'm not saving you seats and I'm not sitting with you and Rebecca, I did that enough times with you and Laurie!
X: No that's fine
J: By the way you never did tell me but how on earth did Rebecca get pregnant by accident?
X: Well I just never thought she'd get pregnant
J: You're not serious?!
X: Yes, I just didn't think that she would
J: You're seriously telling me that your method of contraception was your 'thought' that she wouldn't get pregnant?!!
X: Well sort of
J: Well I think she planned it....
X: Oh why do you hate Rebecca all of a sudden?
J: I don't - I just think that it's ironic that the more stupid you are the more likely you are to breed! It kind of makes me think that Darwin got it completely wrong....
Thursday, 4 December 2008
G: no I didn't bother. Actually I'm a bit luvved up at the moment
J: oh how exciting! Who with?
G: well 'luvved up' is a bit of an exageration come to think of it. I can't be bothered to find someone to fall in love with so I've settled for a woman I met off Match.com who has ginormous breasts and likes rough sex
J: oh that's so depressing - don't you find it soul destroying when your heart's not in it?
G: why would I? She does seem to cry a lot though.
J: Maybe she's not so keen on rough sex as you think!
G: haha very good! No, seriously why do all you women have 'issues'?
J: Maybe it's because all 'you men' are bastards!
Saturday, 22 November 2008
'oh that's great babe'
'yes I was going to be a camel but the teacher said I could be a wise man instead because I'd been generous'
'oh well that's nice. You were a sheep last year weren't you?'
'no that was the year before, I was a camel last year'
'oh yes I remember now'
'there's a letter in my book bag, we need to make a crown and one of the gifts that we have to give to the baby Jesus - gold, frankinstein and myrrh....'
Friday, 14 November 2008
Number Withheld: Hi J how are you?
J: Oh....it's you! I'm fine
NW: I've really missed you J, have you missed me?
NW: Oh J you never say you miss me!
J: No I don't do I. So how's married life?
NW: I'm not married. I keep telling you that was my ex girlfriend who phoned you
J: I don't believe you
NW: I'm telling you the truth. She's just my ex and she gets really jealous when she thinks I'm seeing someone. She's ruined my relationships with 3 girlfriends!
J: Yes, wives have a nasty habit of doing that
NW: Honestly I'm not married, why would I lie to you?
J: Sorry, did you just say 'Why would I lie to you'?!!!!
Thursday, 13 November 2008
'are you still with your guy'
'to be honest I'm not exacty sure what's happening with him we're not together...but we're not totally apart either. I've told him that I will probably see you though as I'm not into lying to people'
'what did he say'
'he said he understood'
'mmnn ok, well lucky I'm still single then. Are you looking forward to seeing me?'
'yes of course... it's been a really long time since we've seen each other hasn't it?'
'yes I can't wait. Do you mind if I bring my video camera?'
'oh...I'm not sure. Don't you think we should get re-acquainted first? I mean we haven't seen each other in over 18 months.......actually now I come to think of I definitely DON'T want you to bring it!'
'Oh ok then. By the way is it alright if I stay over?...........'
Sunday, 9 November 2008
'why what's happening?'
'I'm just not sure when I stopped being someone he loved, respected and made an effort for and turned into a booty call'
'oh dear that's bad'
'what are you going to do about it'
' I'm going to pick up whatever shreds of dignity and self-esteem I have left and walk'
'good for you'
'do you believe me?'
'damn! Sounded good though didnt it?'
'this time - just do it. If he does care he'll want you back if he doesn't he's not worth the pain anyway. Trust me you're worth more than that.'
' I really thought that he was different'
'maybe he is, maybe it's you that's still the same'
'you expect too little of people and you make do with even less!'
'well no-one else will tell you - certainly not him - he's happy with his booty call!'
'ok you're right. I'm so in love with him though and I think I'm just scared of losing what little love and affection I get from him so I put up with it'
'you've already lost it...in more ways than one!'
'how did you get so smart?'
'watching you mess up!'
'Oh well I'm glad my misery has served some purpose....!'
Sunday, 2 November 2008
life packed in little boxes marked single new releases
when I saw your smiling eyes my head got lost completely
and logic, rhyme and reason all surrendered sweetly
Ever a free spirit in this world of rising prices
love still won’t devalue even though the dollar rises
Your clear candescent star in nights of dark dependencies
a luminescent light in black hole tunnel tendencies
Difficult equations in the field of quantum science
....lessons one to fifty in the art of self-reliance
Thursday, 30 October 2008
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Jules: oh ok but I need to sell the house but doubt anyone will buy it in the current economic climate
Nic: you sound pretty calm about the whole thing
Jules: well not much I can do about it still I'm sure something will turn up and things will work out one way or another in the end...
Nic: and other cliches...
Jules: exactly! I'm sure a cliche will turn up and save the day!
Monday, 13 October 2008
'is it sleeping with lots of different women when you're supposed to be in a committed relationship?'
'No! Why are you so bitter?'
'Ha ha I'm not actually - but in answer I refer you to my previous question...!'
Saturday, 11 October 2008
'it's called "It Must Be Beautiful - Great Equations of Modern Science'
'no, it's really interesting. Here's a quote from it - "Atoms can be seen as engaged in a constant quest to find the perfect partners with which they can bond to form stable entities by sharing and exchanging electrons" - that sounds like us don't you think?'
'yes it does - sounds quite sexy actually!'
'and it goes on to say ' an atom consists of a positively charged nucleus surrounded by a cloud of negatively charged electrons. It's unique identity lies in the number of positively charged protons in its core'
'so that's our problem then - we're surrounded by too many negatively charged electrons?'
'haha -probably but for electrons substitute a**holes! No, our problem is that we haven't found the perfect partner to bond with and share and exchange electrons with '
'Yeah well I could have told you that! Anyhow I still prefer the equation I came up with the other night... that there's a direct connection between how the more you like someone the less likely they are to pay you any attention'
'well yes that does pretty much sum it up I suppose!'
'yes and one empty plastic bottle could power a light bulb for 6 hours'
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
There was this elephant walking through a field. It saw beautiful flowers everywhere. One day he could hear a cry for help. It came from inside one of the flowers. Why are you calling the elephant asked. We need help. Can you help us? Of course but how can I reach you? In moments he was sliding down the inside of the petals and landed with a thump in a clearing by a small village inside the flower. Can you help us with all this water, we're flooded? Of course I can. And with his great big trunk he sucked all the water away and blew it back into the lake. When he had finished his task, the happy village folk had a great big party to celebrate. The elephant was so full of buns he decided to go for a walk by the lake to rest. On his way to the lake he walked through a field of flowers. He heard a cry for help from one of the flowers. Why are you calling the elephant asked. We need help. Can you help us? Of course but how can I reach you? In moments he was sliding down the inside of the petals...
Friday, 19 September 2008
'oh dear does it Zach? Maybe I ate too much of that cake! But what would you think if I did have another baby?
'errr...go to dad's'
'what? you'd want to go and live with dad?'
'No! I meant we'd have to send the baby to live with dad!'
Friday, 5 September 2008
'I know it's so sad isn't it?'
'yes, poor Juno'
'Oh is that her name, do you know her?'
'No, Juno owns the shop she's sleeping in front of - she'll never get any customers with a homeless person sleeping outside'
Sunday, 31 August 2008
Monday, 18 August 2008
'yes and instead of spending ages building up their chi to destroy the box they should just walk till they hit the edge and then 2 of them should put their fingers under the bottom of the box and lift it up and the other one should jump up and kick it out of the way.'
'Oh I see'
'That's the simple way out of a difficult problem. You see you should always take the simple way out of a difficult problem'
'well I'll try and remember that Zach - I often feel like I'm trapped inside an invisible box myself come to think of it'
I really can't recommend Brian Johnson too highly - his Philosopher's Notes are wonderful and this free downloadable podcast should inspire and uplift anyone who listens to it
'Zach that was awesome!'
'Mum - you just said 'awesome'!
'I know...I just don't know how else to describe it!'
'I don't think I've ever seen you so happy'
'Who'd have thought it would be so much fun throwing yourself down a giant slide'
'AND you've overcome your fear of rollercoasters! This was our best day out ever mum'
'We've got to do this again soon'
Saturday, 16 August 2008
Saturday, 9 August 2008
‘I’m bored!’ Zach declared to no-one in particular. Mum was busy ironing, dad wasn’t coming by till later and all his friends had gone off on holiday somewhere leaving him to amuse himself. Zach was pretty good at amusing himself, he would make up stories with his toys and act them out for hours on end but he’d been doing that already and was in need of a new adventure. In the absence of anything more exciting happening he thought he’d go on a bug hunt so he went down the garden to see if Blue would join him.
‘So what you doing today then Blue?’ Zach asked
‘Oh still watching the world go by’ Blue replied with a great big smile
‘Well I was thinking that not much of the world really goes by here does it?’
‘Oh yes it does my friend! The whole world comes by here. Take that flower over there for instance’
‘What the yellow one?’
‘Yes. Now what do you see when you look at that flower?
‘Well it’s yellow and it has a green stem and a couple of leaves’ Zach answered
‘But how did it come to be here growing in that particular spot?’ Blue asked
‘I have no idea’ Zach laughed
‘Well when I see that flower, I see sunshine and rain and wind and insects and earth and all the things that had to come together to make that one little flower grow. The seed that grew into that flower could have come from miles away.’
‘Really?’ said Zach
‘Yes that’s a dandelion and the seeds get picked up by the wind and carried away. Other seeds get carried by birds and animals or by water but dandelions have beautiful little parachutes on them that get picked up on the wind and blown all over the place.’
‘Aren’t dandelions weeds though’
‘Well weeds are just flowers that grown-ups don’t think are pretty’ Blue replied
‘I think dandelions are pretty and buttercups and those little purple ones…’Zach said
‘I know and every one of them is a miracle when you think about it. The wind that picked up the seed that grew into that flower might have been blowing on the other side of the world earlier that day, the rain that made it grow might have come from one of the great oceans and the sun that made it blossom might have shone on another flower thousands of miles away just a few hours before. So you see the whole world has come by here just in that one tiny flower’.
‘Wow – that is amazing!’ exclaimed Zach ‘you look at stuff so differently from everyone else Blue. What do you see when you look at me?’
‘Well I see the love of your mum and dad, I see the chocolate that you ate earlier that’s still on your face, that you didn’t share with me by the way, I see eyes that sparkle like sunlight on water when you’re interested in something. They’re sparkling now as it happens. The only problem with you is that you don’t have a tail’
‘Why do I need a tail?’
‘Because it’s not so easy to tell if you’re happy or sad without a tail’.
‘Can’t you tell from my face?.
‘No, humans are funny like that, sometimes they smile when they’re sad and they cry when they’re happy. You really need a tail to determine what you really feel, a tail can’t lie, the faster it wags the happier you are!’
‘Your tail always wags really fast when you see me Blue!’
‘It certainly does little bro it certainly does!’
Friday, 25 July 2008
Monday, 21 July 2008
Thursday, 10 July 2008
'I thought you found a husband the other week!'
'that was someone else's husband - that doesn't count'
'have you heard any more from him?'
'yes he keeps phoning and texting - apparently he really misses me and his wife doesn't understand him..'
'I bet she does! Anyway does that statistic mean that you should visit zoos more or less often?'
'I'm thinking I don't care as long as I don't get mauled by any more men who say they're single when they're not!'
Gabe: yes ..skipping!
Julie: oh ok. So what went wrong with your date with your ex - had she piled on the pounds in the intervening 2 years?
Gabe: she really wasn't very attractive at all.... which makes me wonder why I was interested in her before - then again, she initially wrote to me, so perhaps it was an ego-thing; I also enjoyed the pancakes she'd make on a sunday after we went running
Julie: ah you see the way to your heart is obviously through your stomach! You should add that to your profile that any potential dates should 1st send you a selection of home-baked goodies!
Gabe: good thinking
Julie: they say that skipping's good for your heart - but then so is sex and that's a lot more fun and has the additional heart-warming factor of knowing that you're doing something nice for someone else as well! Not that you'd ever want to do anything nice for anyone else....
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
'Hey baby' (I love you)
'So what you been up to?'
'Oh usual stuff. Went out with Deb at the weekend but came home early because I wasn't feeling well'. (and because I'm still in love with you)
'Yeah really? So you didn't meet any guys then?'
'No of course not! I don't go out looking to pick up men on an evening' (besides no-one compares to you and by the way did I mention that I'm still hopelessly in love with you?)
'So have you missed me?'
'Haha no I'm all over that now!' (yeah right!)
'We must go out for dinner next week, it's been ages since we've seen each other'
'Yeah that'd be good' (it's been 5 months and 16 days actually and I've missed you like crazy every single day)
'Well I'll sort out which day I'm going to be free and call you then'
'Haha you always say that and you never do!' (besides if I see you again I think my heart will break all over again)
'No I mean it this time I do miss you I've just been really busy'
'Yeah I know you're busy I'm just kidding with you' (you've been busy with your new girlfriend)
'Oh look I'm just going through Nuneham Courtenay now so I may lose signal'
'Oh yes? well watch out for that speed camera just as you're coming up the hill' (I think I'm going to cry if I don't get off this phone soon)
'Yeah I know the one! I'll catch you later honey. Bye'
'Bye baby........I miss you so much...'
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Oh but the truth was always in there. It was hidden in the miasma of lies, facts and half truths but it was always there. It wanted to be found. It was waiting in the darkness, waiting for the light to shine on it to reflect back the thing she didn’t want to see. The illumination that would have left no doubt in her mind that any of it was real. That sky he was painting for her, that bright blue sky that seemed to stretch into the distance, into the future, that sky wasn't real. He’d sent her his hologram to play with. Nothing she could have said or done would have given flesh and blood to that empty version of him. It had no heart, no soul, no substance.
Nadia on the other hand had substance. Her voice cracked a little on the phone as she bravely asked the question she didn’t really want to hear the answer to. ‘I need to know, were you with my husband on Saturday night...?’
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Saturday, 14 June 2008
'hey Zach, it's Grandpa's birthday today you know?'
'is it? is that my Grandpa or your Grandpa?
'your Grandpa babe my Daddy'
'oh ok, well Happy Birthday Grandpa - whereever you are! I expect he's in heaven opening his presents'
'yes I expect he is. What sort of presents do you think he'll get?'
'uuhh I don't know - maybe fish for his fishpond? Oh and fish food too , I expect people will get him fish food for all his fish'
'do you think Grandpa will have a fishpond in heaven?'
'oh yes and lots of beautiful fish'
'Yes I hope he does too. Happy birthday Dad x'
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
I think she’d say ‘life’s more than rough enough
it’s not about giving more than you take,
beating yourself up with mistakes you make’
I think she’d say ‘no-one’s perfect baby’
I think she’d say ‘don’t you think that maybe
if you stopped running you might gain more ground
and then not feel you’d lost more than you’d found’
I think she’d say ‘you deserve something good’
I think she’d say ‘don’t you think that you should
stop giving your heart to men who don’t care
and find someone sweet who’ll always be there?’
I think she’d say ‘just do your very best’
I think she’d say ‘ life’s not really a test
it’s more about all the good stuff you learn
and not the number of points you can earn’
I think she’d say ‘you don’t have to feel sad’
I think she’d say ‘things aren’t terribly bad.
Follow your dreams and make them come true
I’ve always had mountains of faith in you’
I think she’d say ‘stop worrying honey’
I think she’d say ‘ it’s not about money.
Listen to your heart, you’ve got all you need,
Beautiful things grow from one tiny seed
Hear what I say and use all that you know
There’s still time to blossom, still time to grow.’
I think she’d say ‘Julie I love you still’
I think she’d say ‘Honey I always will’
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
'Have no idea! What french things? french fries? french knickers? french letters?... what?!!'
'ooh you know.... stockings!'
'french stockings? what are french stockings?'
'oh I don't know... any kind of stockings?'
'oh ok yes I have some I think. Are we thinking of robbing a bank by any chance??!!'
Saturday, 31 May 2008
Friday, 30 May 2008
Julie: how come I don't know any men who actually turn up when they say they will? - I think I must live on the edge of the bermuda triangle of Girlfriend World
Gabe: it's hilarious
Julie: when he phoned me today he just started asking my advice about his car. He actually said 'what should I do Jools go to Mercedes or go to Kwikfit'? Like I'd know!!!
Gabe: you should have told him to go to Hell
Julie: haha - why didn't I think of that? - oh yes, I'm not as mean as you
Gabe: bet you just said something pathetic, like "oh I'm sure it's all my fault"
Julie: hahahaha - brilliant!!!!!
'yes, I reckon that accounts for the 7 year itch - I think that at some core level each of our bodies is screaming out to the other one 'who the hell are you?!'
'haha quite possibly that would certainly explain quite a lot. Though I've never made it as far as 7 years it's more like a 3 year itch with me'
'maybe you just have a higher metamorphic rate than most people!'
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
'haha - sort of, I suggested we hook up soon, she said she'll get back to me....'
'oh that just means she's interviewing other prospective lovers'
'quite possibly, although she's not using Match.com much'
'no she doesn't need to - she's already got them lined up'
'fair point....thanks a lot!!!'
'but don't despair - they'll all be a*seholes 9 out of 10 men are '
'what, like me?'
'no you'll stand out and she'll come around to thinking that you're worth a 2nd look'
'"9 out of 10 men are a%seholes" - that'd make a good headline'
'anyway you're not an a*sehole - well not on a good day. You can be an a*sehole but it's not your main attribute'
'I thought you were going to ask me what your main attribute was'
'oh I would do, but I'm on phone to my sis she's upset cos she's broke
'well send her some money - you're loaded - and while you're at it send me some too'
'by the way in case you're wondering your main attribute doesn't appear to be multi tasking so I'll catch you later......'
See you met me at an interesting time
And if my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside ...
Saturday, 17 May 2008
'well it was ok but he had garlic breath!'
'well at least he's not a vampire then'
'oh so that's my choices then - Dracula or man with garlic breath?!'
'I'm just saying you don't want to be dating one of the undead is all....that can lead to all sorts of problems - you'll never get to go on a beach holiday again, you'll probably get very tired and anaemic and having people chase you with wooden stakes trying to drive them through your heart might be a trifle annoying. Not to mention it'll be hell trying to put on your make-up without being able to see yourself in a mirror. So probably just best to give the undead a wide berth romantically speaking...unless he's very good-looking of course, then you might want to make an exception'
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
'oh she said she doesn't think it's anything too nasty but she's sending me to ENT to have the lump on my tonsils cut out'
'oh dear that sounds unpleasant but do you know that there's a theory that you can tell what's wrong with a person's emotional state by whatever illness they have?'
'yes I've heard that. My sister's friend who's into alternative therapies says that if you have a sore throat it's as if someone has their hands round your throat strangling you! Pretty apt in my case'
'well yes and I think we should talk about that sometime'
'Still the ex will be pleased to hear that I'm getting my throat cut!'
'why do you always do that?'
'make a joke of something that's painful for you - I've noticed you do that all the time'
'yes I know I do I suppose it's how I cope'
'what would be so bad about just feeling the pain?'
'I don't know.... I suppose I'm just scared'
'what are you scared of?'
'I'm scared it would overwhelm me and then I wouldn't be able to cope'
'I think you would be able to cope and I really think you should try it sometime....'
Friday, 9 May 2008
'aarrgh had the ex keep phoning me saying that I should do the decent thing and kill myself and sending me horrible texts all yesterday. This is the latest: 'I hate you I loathe your friends and the diseased shits that lie with an old skank like you and the day your gone for good the world will be a better place and your son will thrive. I hope you get cancer in your c*#t'
'oh lovely he's charming as ever I see!'
'yes it's a shame he gave up that job at Hallmark! Not only that but today he had a go at me because I've kept some of his texts on my phone, in case I need to show the police sometime, and he said that it would be MY fault if Zach saw them!'
Saturday, 3 May 2008
Is it weird in here ... or is it just you?
It's not enough to succeed - others must fail
The road to stupid is paved with good intentions.
It's you and me against the world. We attack at dawn.
I never lose. I just choose not to win.
Remember, kids. Love only leads to pain
Sometimes you drink the milk, sometimes the milk drinks you
I'm gonna open up my own personal can of Powerpuff on you two.
Dying is easy; comedy is hard.
No matter how bad it seems, it could get worse.
Evolution takes no prisoners
now hatred is by far the longest pleasure - men love in haste but detest at leisure
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
'hey Stefan why do you always call me Maggie May?'
'I don't know - that song just always pops into my head when I hear your voice on the phone. Maybe I've got an 'older woman' fantasy going on!'
'haha well it's true that the morning sun when it's in my face really does show my age!'
'yeah but in my eyes you're everything!'
Monday, 28 April 2008
'oh he's not found himself another Julie lookalike has he?'
'It would seem so. It's funny really you'd have thought that if he was that struck on me he never would have left me in the first place'
'well men never seem to know what they want until they can't have it any more'
'sad... but true'
I used to love without fear a long time ago
And all I ever wanted was love
Then somebody came around and tried to hurt me
Tried to make me feel like I was unworthy
Took a pure love and tried to make it dirty
Truth was they never did deserve me
I had to lose myself so I could love you better
Sunday, 27 April 2008
Grim: I told you Billy that when you spilt salt you should have thrown some over your left shoulder or you'd have bad luck. You have to take steps to avoid bad luck
Billy: hey science is great
Mandy: do you really think there is anything to this bad luck thing Grim?
Grim: of course Mandy - thousands of years of superstition can't be wrong....
Saturday, 26 April 2008
Thursday, 24 April 2008
'you can be very weird sometimes'
'I know. But think about it - if you like fish you can have it loads of times but then one time you'll have a bad bit of fish and then that's all you remember when you think of fish. However with sex it's the opposite - when you think about sex you aways only ever remember the best time you ever had it - even if it was 20 years ago!'
'actually that's true isn't it!'
'really wish I hadn't had those fish and chips. I can still taste them this morning!'
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
'hi Julie this is Mark's girlfriend Luba I'd appreciate it if you could tell me what's been going on between you two'
'oh goodness! Well nothing's going on actually but we had arranged to meet up in a week or two. I had no idea he was in a relationship of course I won't meet him now. I'm so sorry'
'he's a liar. I'm leaving him'
'I'm so sorry...'
Friday, 18 April 2008
'why does that worry you?'
'because she's a 10 year old child'
'so why do you want to be like her?'
'because she's mean and nasty and has a smart-ass answer to everything'
'is that what you want to be?'
'oh ok. So what shall we have for dinner?'
'I'm thinking world domination...with a side of rice..'
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
traffic warden: ugh
me: I'm sorry?
traffic warden: ugh
me: so is that ok or not?
traffic warden: ugh
me: could you just use more words, I don't mind if it's yes or no, just more words would help ...or some words at least....
traffic warden: ugh
me: ok I guess I'll move it then..
traffic warden: ugh
Saturday, 12 April 2008
Me: oh just rip out my heart and stomp all over it why don't you! Oh you weren't talking to me? oh that's ok then. But that's a bit brutal isn't it - poor HW! Don't you think you could find it in your heart, or whatever it is you use to pump blood around your body, to at least find out what her 'issues' are before you reject her because of them. They might be simple and easily fixed. You've got money - that fixes everything doesn't it?
Gabe: how strange - I genuinely thought my message would strike you as a nice way of dealing with HW
Me: yeah I'm sure what she really wants is more 'space' to deal with her 'issues'........
'did I miss a meeting? I thought we broke up last night'
'I feel lost without your smile. I miss you Julie'
'I miss you too to be honest I cried loads after we said goodbye but that doesn't mean we should be together. And I don't really want to be so wet'
'I tell you now, life is what you make it. I'm willing to adapt and if you feel the same we will rock. I don't think I will ever find another girl like you. Just give me a chance'
'I will think about it but you're wrong though I'm not that great believe me'
'You think you're not great but in my eyes you're an angel'
'Oh dear I'm REALLY not you know.....'
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
'Oh I'm really sorry Robert. I never said stop contacting me anyway - I said I didn't think we should see each other again as it would probably be a bad idea. Trouble is nothing dies harder than a bad idea! I'm very fond of you regardless and I want to know that you're ok that's all'
'Oh poor girl, I feel guilty and bad now - arggh I hate myself when it comes to women but I think it would be better to end it if you don't want to take it further'
'oh don't feel guilty - I'm the one who should feel bad! You didn't do anything wrong and you've been nothing but nice to me. I appreciate that a lot you know. You make me laugh as well with your crazy stream of consciousness. I'd like us to be friends but I know men don't really see the point of having women friends so I totally understand if you'd rather have a clean break and move on'
'I am very bad with making friendships with women, I always only have one at a time
'that's fine, that's a good thing actually!'
'and its a bad thing for a man to have more than one woman because he could go mental having two pussycats in one bowl'
'exactly - you're right of course. Listen you take care - it's fine'
'I really do like you Julie but I've got to let go'
'I really do like you too but I've got too much baggage as they say - so I'll let you go'
'I'm sorry Robert'
'dont be it's ok'
'I'm gonna miss you though.........'
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing,
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.
Sunday, 30 March 2008
me: all of the above
doc: I reckon you've probably got a muscle strain it'll take some time to heal...but in the meantime don't aggravate it
me: yes I think I did aggravate it by exercising more
doc: this isn't recurrent is it?
me: no I've never had problems with my back before - apart from one time I fell down and fractured my sacrum
doc: eeks! also I would advise calcium of course...it's possible that whether conscious or not, cos of your once- fractured sacrum you might inadvertently be putting more pressure on your muscles to take away some weight bearing responsibilies off your joint
me: oh do you think so? that's an interesting thought. Is 'eeks' a medical term by the way?! How long should it take to heal?
doc: 6 weeks is the average time for a muscle sprain to recover...it does vary.
me: oh no that's ages!
doc: a muscle strain can be serious if not taken seriously...sorry if i sound too serious here. Did I just use the word serious 3 times in a sentence?!
Saturday, 29 March 2008
Friday, 21 March 2008
Hobbes:So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection.
Calvin:In my opinion, television validates existence.
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Monday, 17 March 2008
'well it was playing on my mind so much that he treated me so badly and yet for some pathetic reason I still liked him that I decided to make a list of good things about him and compared it to a list of bad things about him'
'ok sounds like a good idea - how did it work out?'
'well I came up with a list of 40 things I didn't like about him and only 3 I did!'
'oh dear well that should tell you something! Out of interest what were the 3 goods things?'
'he has a good body, he brings his own condoms and he smells nice'
'that's not much to base a relationship on!'
'it's barely enough to base a date on let's face it!'
'what was the worst of the 'bad things' about him?'
'that he spent more time and energy trying to persuade me to have a threesome with him and his ex-girlfriend than he ever did on doing anything nice for me'
'Ouch indeed! You have my permission to shoot me if I ever speak to him again. In fact I insist on it!'
Friday, 14 March 2008
'Oh you mean Ven? Well he'd been texting me about 50 times a day and then I was supposed to meet him Saturday but I chickened out last minute and decided to put it off for a week and I met a guy from London instead. Anyhow Ven then calls me Monday to say that his work permit application was refused and since his visa had expired he had been given 2 days to leave the country!'
'Oh my god - mind you with your luck with men it's a wonder you hadn't met him, fallen head over heels in love with him and then found out he was being deported the next day!'
'Yes had to say that thought had crossed my mind also! He called me from Heathrow about an hour ago to say goodbye. I somehow resisted the desire to sing 'Ven will I see you again...' to him!!'
'Oh you're such a cow!'
'I sure did - it was well scary. Mind you I'd just had a text through from the ex which said "you're pure evil" and 2 seconds later the whole house starts shaking and I'm not thinking 'earthquake' I'm thinking 'exorcist'!'
'Ha that's funny - mind you I was asleep at the time and I woke up when the bed started shaking like crazy. I wasn't with it so I thought it was the aftershock of my new vibrator that I'd bought that day that had caused the 5.2 on the Richter scale!'
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
Billy: If I told you, you wouldn't understand. I'm a very complex and multi-layered person.
But if you really want to know more about me, it's all here in my new autobiography. Hot off the presses! Complete and unabridged.
Billy: Hey, Irwin, you gots any gum?
Irwin: [looking into his backpack] Well, I have a plum, a drum, even a tiny chum no bigger than my thumb... but no gum, no.
Mandy: [holding a knife and fork] If you really are what you eat, I should become you by morning.
Sunday, 2 March 2008
'yes but harder than you'd think to decide what to write - I was originally going to go for 'woman's dignity for sale: reasonable price' or possibly 'searching for map of human heart' What would yours be?'
'not sure yet but I asked my dad and he said his would be 'It doesn't get better than this'
'ooohhh your dad's great. I asked Nic what his would be and he said 'crap,crap,crap,crap,and crap''. Kind of opposite ends of the speculum there! Gabe said his would be 'O,S.U.A.B.O.' which is our msn shorthand for 'Oh shut up and bend over!' or alternatively 'leave me alone I'm watching rugby'
'Do you think that maybe he was just watching rugby....?'
Tagged by http://absolutely100percent.blogspot.com/
Borrowing, with permission from bookbabie, the following fabulous idea:What would you say if you had to summarize your life in only six words? Bookbabie got the idea from a book written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I was Expecting: Six Word Memoirs by Famous and Obscure. It is a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were- For Sale: baby shoes, never worn.
Here are the rules:
1. Write your own six word memoir
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere
4. Tag five more blogs with links
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!
Thursday, 28 February 2008
2nd student: yes I took Anna
1st: so what happened?
2nd student: well Anna and I split up almost immediately. The place was full of naked people or people in various states of undress having sex with each other. I got together with this quite attractive girl and we started to get friendly. Then I saw someone I knew and started to talk to him. It was weird though because I was stroking this girl's pussy at the time and I've never done that whilst carrying on a conversation with someone else.
1st student: was she enjoying it?
2nd student: she seemed to be - can't say as it did much for me though and I didn't take it any further
1st student: so what happened then?
2nd student: well not that much as I wasn't all that turned on by it all. I met up with Anna later on and she asked if she could come home with me but I said that I didn't really fancy sleeping with her now as she'd just had sex with about 10 different guys....
1st student: good point
2nd student: anyhow I found this pretty girl who hadn't really been into it either and we ended up going back to my place
1st student: and?
2nd student: well we got home and got into bed and were about to have sex when she passes out completely as she's had too much to drink
1st student: so basically you're saying that you went to an orgy but you still couldn't get laid?
2nd student: that pretty much sums it up yes!
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Hobbes: "I never really thought about the literary possibilities of maths."
Calvin: "I prefer to savour the mystery."
Tuesday, 19 February 2008
One wolf, is the wolf of love, peace, and kindness.
The other wolf is a wolf of greed, hatred, and corruption.
The grandson asks "Which wolf will win?"
The grandfather replies "Whichever wolf I feed."
I'm the one who should be lying low
I see the knives out, I turn my back
I hear the train coming, I stay right on the track
Caught the fever, heard the tune
Thought I loved her,
hung my heart on the moon
Started howling, made no sense
Thought my friends would rush to my defence
And I get all your good advice
It doesn't stop me from going through these things twice
I lost my shirt,
I pawned my rings
I melted wax to fix my wings
I threw my hat into the ring
I've done all the dumb things.......
Sunday, 17 February 2008
Saturday, 16 February 2008
'no it's too depressing'
'look you've got to stop moping and get yourself back out there'
'I know but it's not like there's a huge supply of desirable men on offer, most of the people who write to me look like they're the type of men who have tattoos....with spelling mistakes'
'it can't be that bad'
'trust me it is - it's that whole 'you wait ages for a bus and then 3 turn up at once' scenario. Before I got dumped I had loads of gorgeous men falling over themselves to try and get my attention and I told them all to get lost, but now that I'm available I couldn't get a guy to notice me if I walked down the street naked'
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
'oh he's a complete waste of time, I've put him on my EU list'
'oh well could be worse he could be on your AH list!'
'yeah well the AssHole list is already full unfortunately.......'
Sunday, 10 February 2008
'oh they're great. I let them out in the garden for the first time today but they would only take a couple of steps outside and then they ran straight back in to the henhouse'
'well that's understandable I suppose'
'yes but I kept encouraging them to come out and eventually got them to walk around outside and then I heard the local hunt blowing their horns and I suddenly remembered that they'd sent a note round yesterday telling me to keep all my pets in today and I had a horrible thought that I'd saved the chicken from a life of misery and incarceration and got them to trust me only for them to die a horrible death getting ripped apart by a pack of foxhounds!'
Saturday, 9 February 2008
'well it's a long mind-numbing process - first you have to advertise, read through the applications, hold interviews, shortlist the possibles and then bring back the chosen few for a second interview'
'I know - it's an awful lot of effort. So what did you put in your ad?'
'Situation vacant for honest and articulate person. No experience necessary as full training will be given. however a creative and inventive mind would be an advantage together with the ability to think on one's feet. Strictly no smoking or weird stuff.'
'and you actually got replies to that?'
'loads surprisingly - I don't think most men can read let alone think - they must just look at the pictures!'
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
'I'm sorry but after all the lies you told me I don't honestly believe you'll ever change'
'I promise you I'll change and I'll do anything to make it up to you that's the truth'
'I don't mean to be rude but quite frankly, whilst you may have met the truth occasionally and may even have had a nodding acquaintence with it at one time, you and the truth have never been close personal friends and I sincerely doubt that you'd recognise the truth if you fell over it in the street these days'
'but you don't mean to be rude?'
'well ok - that was quite rude - but not as rude as you lying to me constantly and sponging loads of money off me whilst cheating on me with everything with a pulse....'
'so is that a 'no' then?......'
Thursday, 31 January 2008
Wednesday, 30 January 2008
'oh you know the usual reason - artistic differences'
'yeah I wanted to keep the band together but he wanted to pursue a solo career'
'so did he make a go of it on his own?'
'no not really he had a couple of hits but then sank without trace - he keeps wanting us to re form but I can't say as I'm keen. Don't really want to go back to all the late nights, drugs, alcohol and groupies......'
'sounds like fun'
'It's an ok place to visit but trust me you wouldn't want to live there.......'
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
'excellent - we'll make a fortune'
'the cardinal rules, of course, would be (1) no shagging or falling for each other, & (2) you have to give true advice'
'we could also re-write their boring profiles for them so that someone might actually be interested in contacting them in the 1st place '
'have to admit, this is not an entirely new idea - I discussed it with someone on the Soulmates website months ago'
'you're so unfaithful to me '
'that doesn't count - it was before we met '
'oh ok then I'll let you off '
'off what? '
'don't know what you are on '
'no, nor do I but I reckon we could be onto a winner! '
'me too '
'there's already a website where you get other people to write your profile for you '
'is there? damn '
'mate of mine told me about it - actually, he is serious with a woman he met there '
'so it worked?'
'I'd love to do that '
'what get serious with the woman my mate is dating? '
'is she pretty? '
'no idea, have never met her '
'but she has a grand piano in storage '
'can't think of anything funny about grand piano in storage '
'you're not supposed to it just happens to be the only thing I remember him saying about her '
'she sounds rivetting '
'stop it! '
' stop what? I'm not doing anything - I'm just playing.........the grand piano.......see I knew I could get it in somewhere'
'no I'm sure he doesn't Zach'
'Yes he does'
'Why do you say that?'
'Because he said he wanted to kill you'
'No I'm sure he wouldn't have said that you must have heard him wrong - why would he say he wanted to kill me?'
'Because he says he hates you'
'People say things they don't mean sometimes Zach I'm sure he didn't mean that'
'Yes he did mean it'
Monday, 28 January 2008
I follow an odd-looking woman wearing an ill-fitting white tracksuit into a back room and sit down on a rickety chair. The house smells unpleasant but I’m not sure what of. An old golden Labrador has joined us and sits down next to me leaning against my leg. I don’t say anything as I’m not sure if this is part of the treatment
‘Now dear what do you need my help with?’
‘Well my partner of 13 years has just left me and our 1 year son. He’s now in love with the woman we employed to job share with me’
‘What an absolute bastard!’
‘Well yes – I just don’t seem to be coping very well…….’
‘Oh well you’re better off without him. Now just relax and listen to my voice………
There followed about 20 minutes of her droning on whilst I pretended to relax until she told me to ‘wake up’
‘Now dear do you feel better?’
‘Yes much better thank you (by which I of course meant ‘no not at all’ still I was anxious to get out as the smell was making me slightly nauseous and my leg had gone to sleep – oh maybe the dog was part of the treatment after all….)
‘That will be £30.00 please’
She then started to write something on a small piece of paper. I assumed it was a receipt
‘Now dear take this note and I want you to say the words on it out loud 50 times a day’
The note said ‘I am a worthwhile person’ I wasn’t sure if she meant me or her but I didn’t like to ask. I walked out the door and promptly lost the piece of paper so not only was I £30.00 lighter but any reassurance that I may indeed be a worthwhile person had mysteriously disappeared……….
Thursday, 24 January 2008
'No I won't'
'I've met someone and I think she's the one'
'oh..... ok ....that's fine ....really it is...'
'I'm really sorry...'
'Don't be it's fine really it is'
'I thought you always knew this day would come........'
'Yes of course I did I just hoped it wouldn't happen so soon'
'Please be happy for me I need your blessing before I ask her out. I'm really into her and she wants to go out with me, she's a friend of Clare's and she's muslim too...'
'Of course you have it....'
'You're crying aren't you?'
'No no I'm fine...really'
'I'm so sorry'
'It's ok......I'll be ok.....'
'oh Zach that's..... '
'Don't say 'marvellous' '
'but darling it is marvellous'
'well don't say it '
'can I say it's brilliant? '
' NO! '
' why not? '
' because you always say everything is marvellous, wonderful and brilliant'
' oh....is that bad?'
Monday, 14 January 2008
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
'oh I love this jacket - it's so cozy and warm and comfortable.......but do you know the best thing about this jacket? '
'it's that I don't love it so much that I'd miss it if I get pissed one night and leave it behind in the pub'
'is that what happened to Tom..........?'
'I'm very happy for you'
'I only had sex with her because she reminded me of you'
'she must feel so special......... '
'I think she did actually '
' did the 28 other women that you slept with when we were together all remind you of me? '
'now is there really any need to keep harking back to the past? '
young male shop assistant: 'no absolutely not!'
'why on earth not - I've got the receipt '
'I'm sorry but I simply can't take back a light sabre and leave you unprotected - what will you do if Darth Maul turns up? '
'well we do have 3 other light sabres'
'.........oh ok.......I guess you'll be covered then in case of a Sith emergency'
'I wish my mum would buy me a light sabre.........'
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
ex: 'even when I'm at my worst you always recognise the art in me'
me: 'no I don't - I always recognise the arse in you - that's different'