Monday, 30 March 2009

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Be prepared

J: why are you back so soon?
G: haha, I haven't left yet
J: good lord - you do know the clocks went forward last night?
G: yes I do! look I need some ideas for the evening's festivities....
J: well she sounds lively enough already to me from what you've told me
G: yes, but I still have to come up with a suitable means of punishment........
J: ahhhh - what for losing the bet? well you could get her to do some ironing?
G: hahahaa, what a very ENGLISH idea
J: well she says on her profile she likes English
G: think I'll just stick to tying her up and sh*gging her actually
J: well that's another way to go of course....
G: yeah, but I'm crap at tying knots.....
J: haven't you got any insulating tape?
G: maybe I could hire some boy scouts to do that bit for me?? oh yeah, my ex had some. Insulating tape, that is, not boy scouts
J: hahaha
G: thought you'd like that
oh, she's calling now.....
J: well tell her to pick some up on the way over......
boy scouts that is

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Body Heat

Ned:I need someone to take care of me, someone to rub my tired muscles, smooth out my sheets.
Matty: Get married.
Ned: I just need it for tonight.

Sunday, 15 March 2009

making out....

J: me and your dad used to live out here you know
Z: you and my dad used to make out here?
J: no I said 'live out here'
Z: ohh haha but did you used to make out here too?
J: well I suppose we did!
Z: what is 'making out' anyway?
J: well kissing and hugging that kind of thing...
Z: not sex then?
J: ...I suppose it can mean that...
Z: but you and my dad didn't have sex did you?
J: well we must have done for you to have turned up!
Z: do you have to have sex to have a baby then?
J: yes
Z: really? How many times did you and my dad have sex?
J: ohhh probably just the once I think......

Tuesday, 10 March 2009


J: Hi Deb how are you?
D: I'm in a bad mood. I'm glad you've turned up - I need you to help me kill a chicken!
J: Why - what's it done?
D: It wakes me up crowing every morning at 5am
J: That's a bit harsh isn't it - remind me never to wake you up unexpectedly!
D: Trust me if you were here you'd want to kill it too. When Kate stayed over last week she said she was going to kill it with her bare teeth but unfortunately she was too drunk to stand up let alone kill anything
J: Can't I just take it home with me and let it live down the bottom of my garden?
D: Well you could do and then I can tell Dave that we killed it.
J: Sorry, why does Dave want it dead?
D: Oh he doesn't -it's just that I told him to kill it last night and he said that he had but when it came to it he couldn't do it and just left it out for the fox to get in the night but the fox won't go near it - there'd probably be a dead fox if it did - it's vicious that thing!
J: Ok maybe I won't take it home with me! Seriously Deb I can't kill a chicken!
D: Really it's not that hard, one of you has to hold it down with a spade over it's neck and then the other one jumps on the spade and it's all over in seconds!
J: Oh my god it sounds gross! Anyway I think I have to go now - good luck with the chicken killing - just don't tell me any more about it!

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

If we’re looking to apportion blame
then who was moth and who was flame?
And when we watch it back in hindsight
can you judge one for shining bright
or fault the other for seeking out
a love that shone without a doubt

Everybody's got something they want to sing about,

laugh about,

cry about,

For me's you

Good Enough

Sunday, 1 March 2009

cutbacks and harsh realities....

J: my counsellor and I are having a trial separation
M: oh yes?
J: yes I told her it was too much of a committment for me to keep seeing her every week
M: and what did she say?
J: she said we could cut it down to once a month!
M: you're kidding!
J: No - she said that since I've never been any good at endings we should just reduce our meetings
M: you sure it's you that's not good at endings?!
J: I thought it was a bit harsh and judgmental of her actually - I was quite surprised that she didn't add 'oh and with your emotional problems you'll never get a proper boyfriend either!'
M: she was probably thinking it!