J: Have you noticed how Einstein (the cat) is in a really bad mood these days?
Zach: Yes I know he keeps beating Cutie (the other cat) up!
J: ... and he keeps killing things. Yesterday he brought a baby bunny in and started eating it! It was horrible..,
Zach: I think he needs more love - we should probably make more of a fuss of him
J: Yes I was thinking the same thing... we haven't been giving him much attention lately have we?
a couple of days and a few cuddles later
J: Einstein seems happier
Zach: Yes he does - he kept sleeping on my feet last night and being a right pain!
J: Haha - have you noticed how when one of the pets gets grumpy we just think they 're in need of more love and affection but we never think that when a person is grumpy with us - we just think they're a total jerk!!
Zach: That's because they're being a total jerk!!
It's a good day when I don't get called a ' fucking whore'
A good day when I'm not too scared to walk out the door
I know I should really set the bar a little higher
And it shouldn't take a major brain re-wire
It's a good day when he doesn't scream and shout
A good day when he doesn't throw his weight about
So I close my eyes and breathe a grateful sigh
and tell myself another idiotic lie
I can only feel your love now like a half-remembered tune you're a shadow in the darkness when clouds obscure the moon I can only hear your voice now like an echo from the past muffled sounds of love and laughter each more distant than the last I can only see your face now when I look deep inside my heart but I don't do that very often in case it tears it all apart
You were just a tourist in my holiday home heart
So why do I still miss you after all this time apart?
Your religion seemed to mean much more to you than me
The price I had to pay for what I thought you got for free!
I was just a pitstop in the perfect life you'd planned
So all the dreams I hoped for turned to ashes in my hand
If I'm with someone else these days I only want you more
And wish it were your clothes still messing up my floor...
Staring at the ceiling in the dark Same old empty feeling in your heart 'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast Well you see her when you fall asleep But never to touch and never to keep 'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep
only know you love her when you let her go...
Zach: Hey mum try this with me
Zach: I'm going to put the timer on for one minute ... now close your eyes and don't think of anything just look into the blackness one minute later timer buzzes
Zach: Ok now open your eyes and look around. Can you see how clear everything is? Look at the pattern on this quilt, look at the '4' painted on the wall isn't it amazing?
J: Yes you're right it is
Zach: I did that on the school bus this morning and when I opened my eyes and looked out the window I swear I could see every single blade of grass. Everything is just amazing if you take the time to appreciate it.
J: I think you're amazing - some people live their whole lives and never appreciate anything like that.
the words you scream
pollute your soul
they bury themselves
deep inside your brain
they gnaw at your flesh
invade your sense of self
you think you're going mad
and blame me for your agony
but the real enemy is you
the real victim ... is you
the real pain is the one
that you relive countless times
and every time you abuse me
you dig your soul
a deeper hole
Come sit with me awhile
beneath the sumach tree
and we'll remember who we were
then talk of who we'll be
How did you grow so warm and wise
so full of quiet dignity?
your light shines brighter, bolder now
your heart is true infinity
'I still love you baby'
I throw that thought into the air
and let the wind carry it onward
I don't know where you are
but I'm sure that it will
find your lips and kiss them
and whisper it's message
softly inside your mind
before you close your eyes
and fall asleep tonight...
you think that if you make me suffer
it will somehow stop your pain
but you can't make me sick enough
to make you well again
so tell me why you act this way
from the bottom line to the top
does being a jerk feel so damn good
that you don't want to stop?
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life
It turns what we have into enough
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend
Gratitude makes sense of our past brings peace for today and creates a vision for the future
J: I always feel a bit sad when I see young couples these days
M: Why's that?
J: Because I remember how it used to feel when you met someone new and felt so full of hope and excitement at what life might hold in store
M: Mmmn I know what you mean
J: These days when I meet someone I just think 'well this is going to end badly...' So far I've been right 100% of the time!
your words are like a virus
that's got inside my head
it zaps my self esteem
until I wish that I were dead
'you're stupid' 'you're a moron'
'you do everything wrong'
'you don't deserve to live'
are the lyrics of your song
you tell me I'm to blame
for everything not right
you fill me up with shame
for everything in sight
I try to defend myself
but your weapons find their mark
and I pretend I'm fine
but the light in me turns dark
"Trust is the daughter of Truth. She has an objective memory, neither embellishing nor denying the past . . . her presence is subtle, simple and undeniable . . . Trust rarely buys round-trip tickets because she is never sure how long she will be gone and when she will return . . . She has a gambler's respect for the interplay between luck and skill: she is the mother of Love."
I've been having trouble with my smile
it's been missing now for quite a while
been taking issue with my heart
feels like it all just fell apart
been hearing voices in my ears
sometimes reduces me to tears
been holding on to all the pain
seems the past is filled with rain
looking for new seeds to sow
hoping that some love will grow...
“I only want sweet peace and kindliness when I awaken - but there's always some finger pointing, telling me some terrible deed I committed during the night. It seems I make a lot of mistakes and it seems that I am not allowed any.”
― Charles Bukowski
Z: I can't believe that dad shagged Rebecca!
J: Really? you didn't know that they'd had sex?
Z: No. I always thought they did because she always used to sleep there but whenever I asked him he said that they didn't. Then he tells me at Christmas that she had an abortion. So how did that happen then was it some kind of magic baby?!!!
J: Oh I see so you didn't know that they'd had sex until he told you about the abortion?
J: So which were you more shocked about then the fact that they had sex or the fact that she had an abortion?
Z: That they'd had sex
Z: Because dad lied to me about it when I asked him to tell me the truth
J: you have just entered the land of ' Julie doesn't give a flying fuck any more'. It's a dangerous place, there definitely be dragons and I'm the biggest one. Keep out of my sight and be pleasant if our paths cross. If you even want me to spit on you if you're on fire ... you'd better ask nicely.
J: Sorry if I'm not being super nice to you but I have no idea who you are right now. A few days of you being pleasant and saying that you've changed doesn't mean that's who you are now and if I trust you again I'm the biggest idiot on the planet. If I trust anyone again I'm the biggest idiot on the planet.
F: I know
J: It's not mended you know... me saying that doesn't mend it
This blog is intended as the literary equivalent of a set of photographs. Snapshots in time if you like. I just wanted to capture moments in my life and those of my friends....Don't know if it works but that's the thought behind it. The music? Well I think life should have a soundtrack. And an occasional poem.....