Thursday, 28 February 2008

conversations.......overheard in a bar

1st student: so did you go to that orgy on Friday night
2nd student: yes I took Anna
1st: so what happened?
2nd student: well Anna and I split up almost immediately. The place was full of naked people or people in various states of undress having sex with each other. I got together with this quite attractive girl and we started to get friendly. Then I saw someone I knew and started to talk to him. It was weird though because I was stroking this girl's pussy at the time and I've never done that whilst carrying on a conversation with someone else.
1st student: was she enjoying it?
2nd student: she seemed to be - can't say as it did much for me though and I didn't take it any further
1st student: so what happened then?
2nd student: well not that much as I wasn't all that turned on by it all. I met up with Anna later on and she asked if she could come home with me but I said that I didn't really fancy sleeping with her now as she'd just had sex with about 10 different guys....
1st student: good point
2nd student: anyhow I found this pretty girl who hadn't really been into it either and we ended up going back to my place
1st student: and?
2nd student: well we got home and got into bed and were about to have sex when she passes out completely as she's had too much to drink
1st student: so basically you're saying that you went to an orgy but you still couldn't get laid?
2nd student: that pretty much sums it up yes!

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

John Mayer - Somethings Missing

sorry Mark - had to steal this one - it's just tooooo good!

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Calvin and Hobbes.....

Calvin: "I'm not going to do my maths homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intriguing possibilities into boring old facts."
Hobbes: "I never really thought about the literary possibilities of maths."
Calvin: "I prefer to savour the mystery."

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

conversations with wolves.....

The native american grandfather tells his grandson that there are two wolves inside of him, fighting for control.
One wolf, is the wolf of love, peace, and kindness.
The other wolf is a wolf of greed, hatred, and corruption.
The grandson asks "Which wolf will win?"
The grandfather replies "Whichever wolf I feed."

dumb and dumber things......

Welcome, strangers, to the show
I'm the one who should be lying low
I see the knives out, I turn my back
I hear the train coming, I stay right on the track
Caught the fever, heard the tune
Thought I loved her,
hung my heart on the moon
Started howling, made no sense
Thought my friends would rush to my defence
And I get all your good advice
It doesn't stop me from going through these things twice
I lost my shirt,
I pawned my rings
I melted wax to fix my wings
I threw my hat into the ring
I've done all the dumb things.......

Sunday, 17 February 2008

Dumb Things

I melted wax to fix my wings...I done all those dumb things....

Conversations with Vanilla Ice.......I mean Sky

Brian: We almost died, man... And do you know what I saw?
David: What?
Brian: Your whole life flashing in front of me...
David: And how was it?
Brian: Almost worth dying for...

Saturday, 16 February 2008

conversations with.......

'so have you met anyone off the internet recently?'
'no it's too depressing'
'look you've got to stop moping and get yourself back out there'
'I know but it's not like there's a huge supply of desirable men on offer, most of the people who write to me look like they're the type of men who have tattoos....with spelling mistakes'
'it can't be that bad'
'trust me it is - it's that whole 'you wait ages for a bus and then 3 turn up at once' scenario. Before I got dumped I had loads of gorgeous men falling over themselves to try and get my attention and I told them all to get lost, but now that I'm available I couldn't get a guy to notice me if I walked down the street naked'

Friday, 15 February 2008

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

conversations with Debz........

'so what's happening with Raj?'
'oh he's a complete waste of time, I've put him on my EU list'
'what's EU?
'Emotionally Unavailable'
'oh well could be worse he could be on your AH list!'
'yeah well the AssHole list is already full unfortunately.......'

Sunday, 10 February 2008

stop dragging my heart around..

conversations with Debz (2).......

'so how are the battery hens you rescued settling in Deb'
'oh they're great. I let them out in the garden for the first time today but they would only take a couple of steps outside and then they ran straight back in to the henhouse'
'well that's understandable I suppose'
'yes but I kept encouraging them to come out and eventually got them to walk around outside and then I heard the local hunt blowing their horns and I suddenly remembered that they'd sent a note round yesterday telling me to keep all my pets in today and I had a horrible thought that I'd saved the chicken from a life of misery and incarceration and got them to trust me only for them to die a horrible death getting ripped apart by a pack of foxhounds!'

Saturday, 9 February 2008

conversation with jane...

'so how's the search for a new lover going?'
'well it's a long mind-numbing process - first you have to advertise, read through the applications, hold interviews, shortlist the possibles and then bring back the chosen few for a second interview'
'I know - it's an awful lot of effort. So what did you put in your ad?'
'Situation vacant for honest and articulate person. No experience necessary as full training will be given. however a creative and inventive mind would be an advantage together with the ability to think on one's feet. Strictly no smoking or weird stuff.'
'and you actually got replies to that?'
'loads surprisingly - I don't think most men can read let alone think - they must just look at the pictures!'

Rooster - Deep and Meaningless

If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless.........

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

conversation with an ex lover...........

'Please give me another chance Julie. I've done a lot of thinking and I know how stupid I was to lose you. I really love you and I know I'll never find anyone like you. '
'I'm sorry but after all the lies you told me I don't honestly believe you'll ever change'
'I promise you I'll change and I'll do anything to make it up to you that's the truth'
'I don't mean to be rude but quite frankly, whilst you may have met the truth occasionally and may even have had a nodding acquaintence with it at one time, you and the truth have never been close personal friends and I sincerely doubt that you'd recognise the truth if you fell over it in the street these days'
'but you don't mean to be rude?'
'well ok - that was quite rude - but not as rude as you lying to me constantly and sponging loads of money off me whilst cheating on me with everything with a pulse....'
'so is that a 'no' then?......'

Sunday, 3 February 2008