Saturday, 3 September 2016


I just found out you died Nic.
I don't know how to process that information. They say you died in your sleep but I don't know if you took your life or had it taken... I just know that they say you've gone...
I haven't seen you in ages Nic I kept thinking I must get in touch but things have been so difficult and I was embarrassed to tell you so it was easier to keep putting it off...
I can't cry Nic because if I cry it means it's real and I can't have that be real. You can't be gone Nic. You always said that we were 'besties'. You said I saved your life a couple of years ago and I know that you saved mine. So you can't go Nic because I still need you and there were so many things I didn't tell you. You were so brilliant Nic. I quote you all the time Nic, I tell Zach about the things you say and how smart and clever you are with words. I told you once that I believed that words were 'things' and you said straight away 'Yes they are!'. You always 'get me' Nic we can talk for hours and we always 'get' each other. You're dyslexic but you understand words so brilliantly. You say that people don't really understand words because they don't listen to the actual word, that words tell you what they really mean if you break them down and it's often not what we think. You say that every word that starts with 'con' is actually a con - like confidence and contrite and contender. You said 'people say that everything is impossible, improbable or imperfect but I tell them that I'm possible, I'm probable and I'm perfect'. You are perfect Nic don't make me say that you were... I'm not ready to say that.
Oh god Nic ... I think I'm going to cry

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

when your words come back to haunt you...

Zach: Mum you seem really stressed these days
J: I know - I'm just worrying about Leo
Zach: But you always tell me it's pointless to worry as it doesn't help...
J: Yeah I do say that don't I...

Sunday, 19 July 2015

Harder to do...

It really is futile for us to keep trying
you think it's a game but it's not
I love you too much to let you keep lying
I know you too well in case you forgot

You say she's a figment of my imagination
you say that I'm crazy and losing my mind
but I've played this out in another location
and no-one's a winner you'll find

I've shed tears for me
but cried more for you
you were my baby
you'd always be true
but life has a way
of curing the innocent
truth's easy to say
but harder to do...

Can't spend every day checking the veracity
of words that you speak in the dead of the night
if you want trust you should show some fidelity
I know in my heart when something's not right

When did I stop being someone you looked to
to tell you the truth of who you'd become?
when did I start being someone you'd lie to?
the web that you weaved has all come unspun

I've shed tears for me
but cried more for you
you were my baby
you'd always be true
but life has a way
of curing the innocent
truth's easy to say
but harder to do...

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Nirvana - a poem by Zach

Your eyelids expand, today is young
You walk in the forest
Intoxicating gusts of wind constricting you

Silence; music to my mind
Tranquil rage, I don't conform.
Elegant gusts of wind tell you of days before.

Ecstatic bursts of winter
So pleasing; confusing.
Winter projects upon you

Constant shivering; confusion.
You are blind to external,
Now you can see.

The cold grasps your soul.
Embrace it and you live the external.
Forever in debt to your pain...

You are still confused, the cold is rewarding.
You feel the warmth embrace you.
You accept the frost as you live in sun.

You have reached Nirvana, You see with both eyes

Friday, 3 April 2015


Zach: Mum your instagram account makes it look like your whole life is one big adventure!
J: I know!
Zach (giggling uncontrollably): but in reality all you're doing is walking Leo to the same field every day and taking pictures in different kinds of weather!
J (also giggling uncontrollably): I know - it's hilarious. I reckon that's what everyone does!

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

my sweet squirrel

what it's not ...

I know what this is
I know what it's not
I know what I gave
I know what I got
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
while you made an art
out of yes meaning no

Saturday, 29 November 2014

Wednesday, 5 November 2014