soul searching

the scene: me browsing profiles on Guardian Soulmates when Zach comes into the room and spots what I'm doing
Z: Oh mother has the soul-crushing loneliness of your existence finally got to you haha?
Much hilarity ensued - nothing like having a 10 year old take the piss out of you to put your life in perspective.

still love this song so much...

Mystify

games people play...

Jane: so how are things going with your ex and his girlfriend now?
J: oh it's crazy half the time things are fine and the other half she's threatening to kill herself. On Saturday night she went up to the hospital in the early hours but they just sent her home with some valium!
Jane: I suppose they thought that if she was lucid enough to take herself to hospital she wasn't really serious about killing herself.
J: yes I suppose so. Apparently she's always been like it - all her friends have stories of how she'll just suddenly go off to the bathroom and slash her wrists - never life-threateningly but very dramatic.
Jane: why on earth does he stay with her?
J: oh I think he really does love her. Besides he's always had 'damsel in distress syndrome' as I like to call it, he can't resist a woman who needs rescuing. I think it goes back to when he was a small child and his mother used to constantly go to him crying telling him all her problems with his father (who was very abusive) he wasn't more than about 5 or 6 and he used to have to comfort her and give her advice and basically parent her instead of the other way round.
Jane: gosh that's awful
J: I know. I think that was the problem with our relationship - I've never been into drama and conflict and I'm quite independant - in fact I've always found it hard to let anyone do anything to help me. When he left me for Lynsay it was because he was saving her from her abusive husband supposedly which was a joke really considering how abusive my ex was to me throughout our relationship... OH MY GOD!
Jane: What?
J: I've just realised something for the 1st time. He used to abuse me to make me a damsel in distress so he could then rescue me! And that's the way it always worked - he would shout and scream at me until I cracked and broke down in tears and then he would put his arms around me and say how sorry he was and that he loved me more than anything and that he would always be there for me. That went on for years and I never realised what he was doing...

Most of the time...

wish you were here...

I wish I could open up my heart like it’s a book
and point to the page and say ‘look... there...
that’s the bit, the bit you didn’t really ever read…’
If you’d read that part you’d maybe understand
why this is so hard for me…
why this is so very hard for me

I wish I could open up my soul like there’s a door
that I could let you in and show you where
I think about you each and every day
and always smile and wish you well
I keep your picture on my windowsill
and close my eyes and kiss you still…

I wish I could open up my memory like a slideshow
so you could see the deep impressions
where you left your footprints in my heart
and we could watch our lovers’ tales unfold
I would pull out all the movies playing in my mind
and put our sweet encounters on continuous rewind

South Park

Zach describing a South Park episode, which he thought was particularly hilarious, in detail:
Z:...and then Mr Garrison says it's because you can't jack off (whispers) you know mum, that means play with your willy...
J: Yes Zach I know what it means I just didn't realise that you knew what it meant
Z: Really? Oh I've played with my willy before...
J: Yes darling obviously you've played with your willy before. I just meant that I didn't know that you knew what the term 'jack off' meant as it's rather a rude way of putting it..
Z: Oh is it? Oh I suppose I should have said 'play with your penis'.
J: Haha err...ok. You know I'm not sure your dad should let you watch South Park anyway...

Wedding belles

J: That boy's an angel Keith he's just so sweet and so very gorgeous
K: I know I've decided I'm going to marry him!
J: Haha you do realise he's not gay?
K: I don't care! There might not be any sex but our wedding album would be beautiful...

Mr Fluffy Bunny

J: Zach went off on his 1st school trip today, they've gone to Devon on an outdoor adventure week
A: oh it's one of those ones where you're not allowed to contact them by phone?
J: yes, it's very hard but I think Zach will be ok as he's used to being away with his dad, some of the kids have never been away from their parents before. It was so funny, Soloman who is quite a tough kid turned up with his suitcase and a huge fluffy bunny soft toy. I thought it was odd as not even any of the girls brought their teddies but then I realised that he brought it BECAUSE he's tough! He wouldn't have dared bring it if he'd been a wimp. He just stood there with a 'this is my fluffy bunny - any of you got a problem with that' look on his face
A: haha and I bet he added 'and by the way - that's MISTER Fluffy Bunny to you'

dater monitoring

S: So who were you talking to online?
J: Oh I was just chatting to Gabe. We have this schadenfreude thing going where we each compete to have the least worst dating experience.
S: Really?
J: Yes, though of course because he's a man and I'm a woman we have vastly different criteria as to what constitutes a reasonable date. For him, if he gets to have sex at the end it's a good date whether he likes the woman or not whereas for me it's a good date if I don't go home and cry...

one picture speaks a thousand words...

Mandy Rules

bedtime

J: Zach, why does it take me so long to get you to go to bed these days?
Z: Well you should try saying 'please'
J: Hey...I DO say please!
Z: Oh... well then you should try dragging me against my will then...
J: Gosh, I don't remember reading that in any of my books on parenting 'if your child won't go to bed, drag him against his will...'
Zach unable to speak or stand whilst giggling uncontrollably...

Crossfire

and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears...

life's little luxuries

R: Thanks, but I didn't really didn't need to hear all about your feelings
F: Well when you receive something you don't need - think of it as a luxury...

Make you feel my love

S: hey don't fall for me baby ......
It's too late isn't it?
J: yes

Say 'cheese'...

A and J sorting through a photoshoot prior to editing
J: it's amazing how a miniscule, millisecond change in expression can radically alter a person's appearance from one photo to the next isn't it?
A: yes it is, and people's ideas of what a smile is when you tell them to smile is often way off too. When I tell Em to smile she just grins and looks unnatural so I usually just take a photo of her not smiling but then when she looks at the picture she'll say 'oh well at least I'm smiling in that one' even though there isn't a hint of a smile on her face!
J: Really?
A: Yes, but I think that's because in our household, as long as no-one's actually crying we think we're happy.....

more Brilliant Bill - People Suck

don't know why I like this...but I do!

The Genius of Bill Hicks

'it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.'

me,you and we

Z: Mum we need to take the water pistols in. And by we I mean you as there's no 'me' in 'we'
J: hey hang on... there's no 'u' either!!

Bulletproof dignity

Zach watching Bulletproof Monk with his dad

Nina (the baddie) shows Jade a picture of a refugee kneeling in front of a man with a rifle]
Nina: Tell me, deep inside, at the bottom of your soul, wouldn't you rather be the man about to do the shooting than the man about to be shot?

Zach (aged 9): I'd rather be the one facing the gun - better to die with dignity than live with none...

Good Enough

what about love?

J: Look you know I how I feel about you
S: So propose something?
J: Marry me instead!
S: Why do you want to marry me?
J: Because we love each other!
S: I am a muslim... it's not that bloody simple.....

love sheds tears

The dust has settled
and time has caught us crying
we could make excuses
but we'd just be lying
numbness is the last sensation
dumbness is the realisation
only our own hearts we've broken
...and love sheds tears
for all the words that died unspoken

made in heaven

J: I'm left with the awful gut wrenching feeling that if only I'd said the right thing, something different, something that would have touched his heart (if he in fact has one!) then I could have turned it all around and had a different outcome, even though I know in reality that he'd already made his decision and nothing I said or did would have changed his mind. Feel so desolate. I'm so stupid...
F: I know exactly how you feel - it's cruel isn't it but you're the victim of an organising principle that's about exploiting your love and care and not validating it. It's hard not to feel angry and cheated and it's impossible to make someone care when they don't. I'm so sorry baby, I know how much it hurts.
J: I know you're right but I'm still so in love with him regardless. I just don't understand how he could willingly decide to enter an arranged marriage with someone he admits he's not in love with...

Prince of Persia

a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

Viktor Frankl

Another poem by Zach

You are colour
I am a drawing
I will befriend you
I am sweet
never sour
If you were bitter
I'd never flower

what a tangled web men weave...

S: I can't understand you J, was I just someone to have sex with for you? I really liked you and I thought you liked me too
J: You were married and you lied to me - you got that the wrong way round I was just someone for you to have sex with on the side
S: I wasn't married. She was my ex and she couldn't understand why I wanted to be with you when she's only 26 and you're a lot older than her. I liked you more than anyone J and she just wanted to mess with my relationship with you
J: So how did she know how old I was just from finding my number on your phone? Maybe we should all get together and ask her and sort this out!
S: I told her I'd be introducing my boy to you so I told her everything about you
J: This all happened 2 years ago - why are you contacting me now?
S: Because I still miss you...
thinks J: Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me...

She and Him

'I know and you know it too that love like ours is terrible news...'

The Scene: Supermarket checkout
Young boy at till serving a little old lady who is chatting away endlessly whilst he is very politely responding to her. After about 10 minutes of this she finally leaves and I get to the checkout
J: if there was an award for patience you'd definitely get it, still she was very sweet
Boy: well you'd think so wouldn't you but last week she threatened to stab someone in the cafe with a pair of scissors because they were talking on a mobile phone and it annoyed her apparently.
J: oh my god you're kidding
Boy: no not at all, I was surprised to see her here again, I thought she'd been banned!

Zach's 'The boy who cried "wolf"' story

A boy was out playing by himself when a wolf came along. The boy cried "wolf", the wolf ate the boy. The end.

Zach asked me to write a poem about him so here it is...

You filled an empty space
I didn't know I had
You made me happy when
I didn't know I was sad
You changed my life in oh...
so many different ways
You poured love into my heart
and brightened all my days

Happy Birthday to Mark J

ok...?

N: Hi how are you?
J: I'm ok - bit down in dumps but ok
N: oh not good is all ok?
J: yeah everything's 'ok' it's just not 'great' ...I don't want to be happy I want to be ecstatic!
N: at the mo I'm being philosophical and'ok' is just fine sadly - but I do know what you mean
J: I just want to be madly in love with someone who's madly in love with me - is that really too much to ask?
N: you're asking the wrong person really - but keep your chin up girl!
J: ok I will - have just come back from yoga so I can pretty much contort myself into any position! Slight exageration but I was pleased to discover that I'm getting better at it
N: I want to go yoga that's on my list - sounds fab, all those positions hey , good for the soul?
J: oh it doesn't do you any good on a list you actually have to go... I had it on my list for ages but I didn't improve at all until I actually went...

what you doing Blue...

What you doing Blue? by Julie Switzer Cook | BOOK INFO

what's the matter

A: I was just ringing to see how you got on at the accountants
J: Oh I've just left - I'm walking...no I'm running back to my car. I couldn't get out of there fast enough to be honest. It's like Rodney and I are 2 entirely different species we just don't talk the same language at all and our brains work in totally different ways. He always looks at me somewhat pityingly - the way most english people treat foreigners!
A: I know I always worry when you're there. I don't think you and Rodney should ever be left alone in a room together and you should NEVER ever shake hands with him - it would be like matter meeting antimatter the resulting explosion could destroy the known universe!

She walks like she don't care..walking on imported air...

you can sometimes find wisdom is the weirdest places....

"If you are on a train, will you reach your destination quicker by running up and down the corridors? Some processes just need to take as long as they need to take. That's not easy when you feel a burning desire to get them over with as quickly as possible. Yet that's actually all the more reason to make sure that you don't waste your energy. Even if it means incurring the disapproval of people who do not understand, you need to pull back a little and pace yourself this month. Focus on what can be done, and become less agitated about whatever, for now, cannot be altered."

poem by Zach aged 9

There are only dreams
There might yet be hope for me
For love I will not forget like summer blue
Autumn and winter, spring too...
I am a drawing, you are the colour
and you give life to me

...so tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?

Risky Business

Loving anyone is risky
Loving someone an awful lot is awfully risky – it leaves your heart unprotected and vulnerable and sometimes it gets unintentionally crushed by the slightest of slights
Loving anyone is joyful
Loving someone an awesome amount is awesomely joyful – it fills your heart up and just a smile can light up your whole day
We make our choices - we know the risks, we know the rewards.

sleds and igloos

of mice and men...and msn messenger

R says (15:35):
wat r u doing
J says (15:36):
I'm at home today got snowed in and couldn't make it in to work.
I just went out to supermarket and was driving along and a mouse ran up my arm! Most perturbing! It must have got in my car to get out of the snow. I couldn't stop straight away as roads were so bad so it went and sat by the speedometer and sat washing itself whilst I drove - it was hilarious
R says (15:40):
i want to fuck u
J says (15:40):
oh...you don't want to hear my amusing anecdotes then?

footnote 'R' is an ex who J hasn't seen in more than a year