..of course I'll save the world Billy...

.....if stupidity got us into this mess then why can't it get us out!

away in a manger......

J: don't forget it's Zach's play tonight
X: no of course, what time do I have to be there?
J: well I'm taking him down to the church at 5.30 and it starts at 6pm
X: Ok. Can you save me 2 seats?
J: 2 seats? Why 2 seats?
X: because I'm bringing Rebecca.
J: Oh I see. I didn't realise that we were taking dates to our son's school play!
X: Oh well I just thought that since Rebecca's pregnant that it would be good for Zach to spend more time with her.
J: Really? Well I think he'd appreciate it more if he looked out and just saw his parents sitting together and proud of him. You and I are always going to be his mum and dad no matter how many other people you bring into his life
X: Oh yes you're right I'm sorry but you should have told me.
J: No - you should have asked!
X: Yes I messed up I'm sorry
J: ok but I'm not saving you seats and I'm not sitting with you and Rebecca, I did that enough times with you and Laurie!
X: No that's fine
J: By the way you never did tell me but how on earth did Rebecca get pregnant by accident?
X: Well I just never thought she'd get pregnant
J: You're not serious?!
X: Yes, I just didn't think that she would
J: You're seriously telling me that your method of contraception was your 'thought' that she wouldn't get pregnant?!!
X: Well sort of
J: Well I think she planned it....
X: Oh why do you hate Rebecca all of a sudden?
J: I don't - I just think that it's ironic that the more stupid you are the more likely you are to breed! It kind of makes me think that Darwin got it completely wrong....

souled out

J: so did you go on a date with 'busty conductress' from Guardian Soulmates?
G: no I didn't bother. Actually I'm a bit luvved up at the moment
J: oh how exciting! Who with?
G: well 'luvved up' is a bit of an exageration come to think of it. I can't be bothered to find someone to fall in love with so I've settled for a woman I met off Match.com who has ginormous breasts and likes rough sex
J: oh that's so depressing - don't you find it soul destroying when your heart's not in it?
G: why would I? She does seem to cry a lot though.
J: Maybe she's not so keen on rough sex as you think!
G: haha very good! No, seriously why do all you women have 'issues'?
J: Maybe it's because all 'you men' are bastards!

Fountains of Wayne - Hey Julie

We three kings from Orient are, bearing gifts......

'hey mum I'm going to be a Wise Man in the Christmas play'
'oh that's great babe'
'yes I was going to be a camel but the teacher said I could be a wise man instead because I'd been generous'
'oh well that's nice. You were a sheep last year weren't you?'
'no that was the year before, I was a camel last year'
'oh yes I remember now'
'there's a letter in my book bag, we need to make a crown and one of the gifts that we have to give to the baby Jesus - gold, frankinstein and myrrh....'

I believe in zero

Gypsy

losing it part 3

J: Hi
Number Withheld: Hi J how are you?
J: Oh....it's you! I'm fine
NW: I've really missed you J, have you missed me?
J: No
NW: Oh J you never say you miss me!
J: No I don't do I. So how's married life?
NW: I'm not married. I keep telling you that was my ex girlfriend who phoned you
J: I don't believe you
NW: I'm telling you the truth. She's just my ex and she gets really jealous when she thinks I'm seeing someone. She's ruined my relationships with 3 girlfriends!
J: Yes, wives have a nasty habit of doing that
NW: Honestly I'm not married, why would I lie to you?
J: Sorry, did you just say 'Why would I lie to you'?!!!!

still losing it...

'Hi are we still on for next week?'
'yes'
'are you still with your guy'
'to be honest I'm not exacty sure what's happening with him we're not together...but we're not totally apart either. I've told him that I will probably see you though as I'm not into lying to people'
'what did he say'
'he said he understood'
'mmnn ok, well lucky I'm still single then. Are you looking forward to seeing me?'
'yes of course... it's been a really long time since we've seen each other hasn't it?'
'yes I can't wait. Do you mind if I bring my video camera?'
'oh...I'm not sure. Don't you think we should get re-acquainted first? I mean we haven't seen each other in over 18 months.......actually now I come to think of I definitely DON'T want you to bring it!'
'Oh ok then. By the way is it alright if I stay over?...........'

losing it

'how's your romance going?'
'not good'
'why what's happening?'
'I'm just not sure when I stopped being someone he loved, respected and made an effort for and turned into a booty call'
'oh dear that's bad'
'yes'
'what are you going to do about it'
' I'm going to pick up whatever shreds of dignity and self-esteem I have left and walk'
'good for you'
'do you believe me?'
'no'
'damn! Sounded good though didnt it?'
'this time - just do it. If he does care he'll want you back if he doesn't he's not worth the pain anyway. Trust me you're worth more than that.'
' I really thought that he was different'
'maybe he is, maybe it's you that's still the same'
'meaning?'
'you expect too little of people and you make do with even less!'
'ouch!'
'well no-one else will tell you - certainly not him - he's happy with his booty call!'
'ok you're right. I'm so in love with him though and I think I'm just scared of losing what little love and affection I get from him so I put up with it'
'you've already lost it...in more ways than one!'
'how did you get so smart?'
'watching you mess up!'
'Oh well I'm glad my misery has served some purpose....!'