soul searching

the scene: me browsing profiles on Guardian Soulmates when Zach comes into the room and spots what I'm doing
Z: Oh mother has the soul-crushing loneliness of your existence finally got to you haha?
Much hilarity ensued - nothing like having a 10 year old take the piss out of you to put your life in perspective.

still love this song so much...

Mystify

games people play...

Jane: so how are things going with your ex and his girlfriend now?
J: oh it's crazy half the time things are fine and the other half she's threatening to kill herself. On Saturday night she went up to the hospital in the early hours but they just sent her home with some valium!
Jane: I suppose they thought that if she was lucid enough to take herself to hospital she wasn't really serious about killing herself.
J: yes I suppose so. Apparently she's always been like it - all her friends have stories of how she'll just suddenly go off to the bathroom and slash her wrists - never life-threateningly but very dramatic.
Jane: why on earth does he stay with her?
J: oh I think he really does love her. Besides he's always had 'damsel in distress syndrome' as I like to call it, he can't resist a woman who needs rescuing. I think it goes back to when he was a small child and his mother used to constantly go to him crying telling him all her problems with his father (who was very abusive) he wasn't more than about 5 or 6 and he used to have to comfort her and give her advice and basically parent her instead of the other way round.
Jane: gosh that's awful
J: I know. I think that was the problem with our relationship - I've never been into drama and conflict and I'm quite independant - in fact I've always found it hard to let anyone do anything to help me. When he left me for Lynsay it was because he was saving her from her abusive husband supposedly which was a joke really considering how abusive my ex was to me throughout our relationship... OH MY GOD!
Jane: What?
J: I've just realised something for the 1st time. He used to abuse me to make me a damsel in distress so he could then rescue me! And that's the way it always worked - he would shout and scream at me until I cracked and broke down in tears and then he would put his arms around me and say how sorry he was and that he loved me more than anything and that he would always be there for me. That went on for years and I never realised what he was doing...

Most of the time...

wish you were here...

I wish I could open up my heart like it’s a book
and point to the page and say ‘look... there...
that’s the bit, the bit you didn’t really ever read…’
If you’d read that part you’d maybe understand
why this is so hard for me…
why this is so very hard for me

I wish I could open up my soul like there’s a door
that I could let you in and show you where
I think about you each and every day
and always smile and wish you well
I keep your picture on my windowsill
and close my eyes and kiss you still…

I wish I could open up my memory like a slideshow
so you could see the deep impressions
where you left your footprints in my heart
and we could watch our lovers’ tales unfold
I would pull out all the movies playing in my mind
and put our sweet encounters on continuous rewind

South Park

Zach describing a South Park episode, which he thought was particularly hilarious, in detail:
Z:...and then Mr Garrison says it's because you can't jack off (whispers) you know mum, that means play with your willy...
J: Yes Zach I know what it means I just didn't realise that you knew what it meant
Z: Really? Oh I've played with my willy before...
J: Yes darling obviously you've played with your willy before. I just meant that I didn't know that you knew what the term 'jack off' meant as it's rather a rude way of putting it..
Z: Oh is it? Oh I suppose I should have said 'play with your penis'.
J: Haha err...ok. You know I'm not sure your dad should let you watch South Park anyway...

Wedding belles

J: That boy's an angel Keith he's just so sweet and so very gorgeous
K: I know I've decided I'm going to marry him!
J: Haha you do realise he's not gay?
K: I don't care! There might not be any sex but our wedding album would be beautiful...

Mr Fluffy Bunny

J: Zach went off on his 1st school trip today, they've gone to Devon on an outdoor adventure week
A: oh it's one of those ones where you're not allowed to contact them by phone?
J: yes, it's very hard but I think Zach will be ok as he's used to being away with his dad, some of the kids have never been away from their parents before. It was so funny, Soloman who is quite a tough kid turned up with his suitcase and a huge fluffy bunny soft toy. I thought it was odd as not even any of the girls brought their teddies but then I realised that he brought it BECAUSE he's tough! He wouldn't have dared bring it if he'd been a wimp. He just stood there with a 'this is my fluffy bunny - any of you got a problem with that' look on his face
A: haha and I bet he added 'and by the way - that's MISTER Fluffy Bunny to you'

dater monitoring

S: So who were you talking to online?
J: Oh I was just chatting to Gabe. We have this schadenfreude thing going where we each compete to have the least worst dating experience.
S: Really?
J: Yes, though of course because he's a man and I'm a woman we have vastly different criteria as to what constitutes a reasonable date. For him, if he gets to have sex at the end it's a good date whether he likes the woman or not whereas for me it's a good date if I don't go home and cry...