Happy Christmas

If you forget my face...

I'm worried you'll forget my face
you left me here with too much space
don't know how on earth to fill it
...especially now my heart's not in it

I'm worried I'll forget your eyes
the way they looked before the lies
they sparkled with the joy of life
...before the trouble and the strife

I'm worried I'll forget your smile
haven't seen it now for quite awhile
we had so much fun and laughter
...thought we'd found our 'ever after'

I'm worried you'll forget my face
and if you do there'll be no trace
of who we were and what we had
... before the world, our love, forbad

Einstein

J: Have you noticed how Einstein (the cat) is in a really bad mood these days?
Zach: Yes I know he keeps beating Cutie (the other cat) up!
J: ... and he keeps killing things. Yesterday he brought a baby bunny in and started eating it! It was horrible..,
Zach: I think he needs more love - we should probably make more of a fuss of him
J: Yes I was thinking the same thing... we haven't been giving him much attention lately have we?

a couple of days and a few cuddles later

J: Einstein seems happier
Zach: Yes he does - he kept sleeping on my feet last night and being a right pain!
J: Haha - have you noticed how when one of the pets gets grumpy we just think they 're in need of more love and affection but we never think that when a person is grumpy with us - we just think they're a total jerk!!
Zach: That's because they're being a total jerk!!

these days

It's a good day when I don't get called a ' fucking whore'
A good day when I'm not too scared to walk out the door
I know I should really set the bar a little higher
And it shouldn't take a major brain re-wire

but...

It's a good day when he doesn't scream and shout
A good day when he doesn't throw his weight about
So I close my eyes and breathe a grateful sigh
and tell myself another idiotic lie

claws

once they have their claws in you
it's hard to get away
you might get ripped to shreds
so it's easier to stay

once they have a hold on you
the more you try to leave
they grip you ever tighter
till it's hard to even breathe

once they have their hooks in you
every day's a fight to live
survival's your new mantra
forbear, forget, forgive

I can only

I can only feel your love now 
like a half-remembered tune 
you're a shadow in the darkness 
when clouds obscure the moon 

I can only hear your voice now 
like an echo from the past 
muffled sounds of love and laughter 
each more distant than the last 

I can only see your face now 
when I look deep inside my heart 
but I don't do that very often 
in case it tears it all apart

hay!

tourist

You were just a tourist in my holiday home heart
So why do I still miss you after all this time apart?
Your religion seemed to mean much more to you than me
The price I had to pay for what I thought you got for free!
I was just a pitstop in the perfect life you'd planned
So all the dreams I hoped for turned to ashes in my hand
If I'm with someone else these days I only want you more
And wish it were your clothes still messing up my floor...

Montmerency - the cat I had when I was young ...

he was a great cat!

Linseed sea

Passenger - Let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark 
Same old empty feeling in your heart 
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast 
Well you see her when you fall asleep 
But never to touch and never to keep 
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

only know you love her when you let her go...

Hot Dog - Sunday walkies

Toadpoles in July

one minute magic ...

Zach: Hey mum try this with me
J: Ok
Zach: I'm going to put the timer on for one minute ... now close your eyes and don't think of anything just look into the blackness
one minute later timer buzzes
Zach: Ok now open your eyes and look around. Can you see how clear everything is? Look at the pattern on this quilt, look at the '4' painted on the wall isn't it amazing?
J: Yes you're right it is
Zach: I did that on the school bus this morning and when I opened my eyes and looked out the window I swear I could see every single blade of grass. Everything is just amazing if you take the time to appreciate it.
J: I think you're amazing - some people live their whole lives and never appreciate anything like that.

overheard phone conversation

F: that piece of filth's not a mother. I want to pound her face to a bloody pulp...

Down by the river

This is the path you have chosen
never thought it would be so hard
Skating on a heart that's frozen
never knew it had got so scarred

This is the road you're walking
sometimes all you can do is pray
It feels like death is stalking
and safety's miles and miles away

Remember all the fun and laughter
the love, the hopes, the dreams
Your belief in 'happy ever after'
turned into nightmare screams

You need to go down by the river
let the clear water wash you clean
Time's always been the great forgiver
your refuge when he gets too mean

like the summer sun

I miss you like the summer sun
when winter's grip is on
I miss you like a drowning man
misses air when it's all gone

You can't say

You can't say I didn't love you
never say it wasn't real
you were the heaven in my hell
the only heartbeat I could feel

You can't say I didn't love you
never say it wasn't right
you were my sun and moon
you were my day and night

You can't say I didn't love you
never say I didn't care
my home's inside your heart
and if you look I'll still be there

Soul Pollution

the words you scream
pollute your soul
they bury themselves
deep inside your brain
they gnaw at your flesh
invade your sense of self
you think you're going mad
and blame me for your agony
but the real enemy is you
the real victim ... is you
the real pain is the one
that you relive countless times
and every time you abuse me
you dig your soul
a deeper hole

for Dominic - a forever friend

Come sit with me awhile
beneath the sumach tree
and we'll remember who we were
then talk of who we'll be
How did you grow so warm and wise
so full of quiet dignity?
your light shines brighter, bolder now
your heart is true infinity

I still love you baby

'I still love you baby'
I throw that thought into the air
and let the wind carry it onward
I don't know where you are
but I'm sure that it will
find your lips and kiss them
and whisper it's message
softly inside your mind
before you close your eyes
and fall asleep tonight...

pysche

you still act like such a psycho
start to think it's not an act
you make up lies about me
then proclaim them all as fact

you constantly harass me
make me wish that I were dead
then have the nerve to tell me
that my diaries you've read

as if that's not bad enough
you try to offer me advice
did no-one ever teach you
that prying's just not nice?!

you really take the biscuit
you seem to want control
of my inner thoughts and feelings
my heart, my mind, my soul

bird's nest made with Leo's fur

at least the birds appreciate the fact that Leo sheds loads of fur!

jerk

you think that if you make me suffer
it will somehow stop your pain
but you can't make me sick enough
to make you well again
so tell me why you act this way
from the bottom line to the top
does being a jerk feel so damn good
that you don't want to stop?

sunny sunday

heart and soul

don't let life harden your heart honey
don't let life narrow your brain
if you sit like Midas counting your money
your world can go down the drain

don't let life smash up your dreams baby
don't let life stamp on your art
if you're wondering yes, no or maybe
you may never chance it and start

don't sell your soul to the devil, dear
he's got more than his share it seems
hold on to what's true and soon you'll clear
the path to follow your dreams

Reality

Trying to reason with your reality
Is like trading gold for dust
Life's too short for that insanity
If your brain's turned into rust

Never had much of a propensity
For holding onto grudges
I can't take such an intensity
From someone who never budges

So I'll dust off all my dignity
Try to hold my head up high
Then I'll shine up my integrity
Whilst you make up your next lie

Gratitude is the daughter of Appreciation and the mother of Joy

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life
It turns what we have into enough
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend
Gratitude makes sense of our past brings peace for today and creates a vision for the future
Melody Beattie

against all odds

J: I always feel a bit sad when I see young couples these days
M: Why's that?
J: Because I remember how it used to feel when you met someone new and felt so full of hope and excitement at what life might hold in store
M: Mmmn I know what you mean
J: These days when I meet someone I just think 'well this is going to end badly...' So far I've been right 100% of the time!

weapons of soul destruction

your words are like a virus
that's got inside my head
it zaps my self esteem
until I wish that I were dead
'you're stupid' 'you're a moron'
'you do everything wrong'
'you don't deserve to live'
are the lyrics of your song
you tell me I'm to blame
for everything not right
you fill me up with shame
for everything in sight
I try to defend myself
but your weapons find their mark
and I pretend I'm fine
but the light in me turns dark

just another day

There are no knights in shining armour

There are no gentle men

The fairy tales they feed you

All fantasies and lies
You lay down on a bed of tears
And send your dreams to hell

Call me cunt and whore and bitch

Just one more time I swear

And I’ll make you eat your words

till you're as sick of them as me

Trust is the daughter of Truth and the mother of Love

"Trust is the daughter of Truth. She has an objective memory, neither embellishing nor denying the past . . . her presence is subtle, simple and undeniable . . . Trust rarely buys round-trip tickets because she is never sure how long she will be gone and when she will return . . . She has a gambler's respect for the interplay between luck and skill: she is the mother of Love."

J. Ruth Gendler

You were born an original. Don't die a copy...
(John Mason)

Words are things

Words are things; and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think. —Byron

What happened?

What happened to your heart honey?
Did life just get too tough?
Did you forget to listen
When things got a little rough

What happened to our love baby?
Did it sink without a trace?
Did you think you wouldn't need it
When you couldn't find it a place

What happened to your soul sweetheart?
Did you just lose your way?
Did you think you had the answers
Or did all your questions go astray

I think of you - Rodriguez

trouble with my smile

I've been having trouble with my smile
it's been missing now for quite a while
been taking issue with my heart
feels like it all just fell apart
been hearing voices in my ears
sometimes reduces me to tears
been holding on to all the pain
seems the past is filled with rain
looking for new seeds to sow
hoping that some love will grow...

don't let go

come and meet me in that time and space
where you and I are always lovers
I can feel your breath upon my face
as we slide beneath the satin covers

hold me tight
don't let go
it's alright
we both know
we don't have to be apart
we can wait it out instead
and let the angels in our hearts
defeat the demons in our heads

The wonderful Charles Bukowski - with thanks to Mark

“I only want sweet peace and kindliness when I awaken - but there's always some finger pointing, telling me some terrible deed I committed during the night. It seems I make a lot of mistakes and it seems that I am not allowed any.”
― Charles Bukowski

trying to get Leo into the car when he didn't want to go

Zach thought this was hilarious!

you did

We were heaven scent
on a highway to hell
and you didn't mean to want me
but you did

So you kissed me once
then you kissed me twice
and you didn't mean to love me
but you did

You made new plans
walked a different path
and you didn't mean to hurt me
but you did

Our lives got so rough
the times got too tough
and you didn't mean to lose me
but you did

The weeks turned to years
nights turned into tears
and you didn't mean to miss me
but you did

We were heaven sent
it was so evident
that you didn't mean to want me
didn't mean to miss me
didn't mean to love me

..........but you did

Zeugma

If I ever let loose for a second
with the awesome power I own
it'd blow all the wind from your sails
and your mind right out of the zone

If I ever let loose for a second
with the awesome anger I feel
it would tear a hole in the universe
that a river of tears couldn't heal

If I ever let loose for a second
with the awesome love that I hold
it would light up the darkness forever
and a flame in your heart that shone gold

Sex, lies and magic babies

Z: I can't believe that dad shagged Rebecca!
J: Really? you didn't know that they'd had sex?
Z: No. I always thought they did because she always used to sleep there but whenever I asked him he said that they didn't. Then he tells me at Christmas that she had an abortion. So how did that happen then was it some kind of magic baby?!!!
J: Oh I see so you didn't know that they'd had sex until he told you about the abortion?
Z: No
J: So which were you more shocked about then the fact that they had sex or the fact that she had an abortion?
Z: That they'd had sex
J: Why?
Z: Because dad lied to me about it when I asked him to tell me the truth

Leo

JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR

J: you have just entered the land of  ' Julie doesn't give a flying fuck any more'. It's a dangerous place, there definitely be dragons and I'm the biggest one. Keep out of my sight and be pleasant if our paths cross. If you even want me to spit on you if you're on fire ... you'd better ask nicely.

expletives undeleted

'he's fucking insane!'
'haha, no shit Sherlock...'

unmendable

J: Sorry if I'm not being super nice to you but I have no idea who you are right now. A few days of you being pleasant and saying that you've changed doesn't mean that's who you are now and if I trust you again I'm the biggest idiot on the planet. If I trust anyone again I'm the biggest idiot on the planet.

F: I know

J: It's not mended you know... me saying that doesn't mend it

Snow day

Little by little ...

Little by little I give up this love for you
This 'thing' that only you and I witnessed
that we gave a life to
nurtured and cherished
then abandoned

Little by little I give up this dream of you
This song that only you and I knew the words to
this music we danced out
our mystical dances
till we fell out of step

Little by little I give up this love for you
This want and this fire, this burning desire
for something not mine
little by little
I give it all up