Nic

I just found out you died Nic.
I don't know how to process that information. They say you died in your sleep but I don't know if you took your life or had it taken... I just know that they say you've gone...
I haven't seen you in ages Nic I kept thinking I must get in touch but things have been so difficult and I was embarrassed to tell you so it was easier to keep putting it off...
I can't cry Nic because if I cry it means it's real and I can't have that be real. You can't be gone Nic. You always said that we were 'besties'. You said I saved your life a couple of years ago and I know that you saved mine. So you can't go Nic because I still need you and there were so many things I didn't tell you. You were so brilliant Nic. I quote you all the time Nic, I tell Zach about the things you say and how smart and clever you are with words. I told you once that I believed that words were 'things' and you said straight away 'Yes they are!'. You always 'get me' Nic we can talk for hours and we always 'get' each other. You're dyslexic but you understand words so brilliantly. You say that people don't really understand words because they don't listen to the actual word, that words tell you what they really mean if you break them down and it's often not what we think. You say that every word that starts with 'con' is actually a con - like confidence and contrite and contender. You said 'people say that everything is impossible, improbable or imperfect but I tell them that I'm possible, I'm probable and I'm perfect'. You are perfect Nic don't make me say that you were... I'm not ready to say that.
Oh god Nic ... I think I'm going to cry