school for scoundrels

J: Shane phoned on Valentine's Day - still insisting that the woman who phoned me isn't his wife!
D: Unbelievable!
J: Oh and Raj finally got in touch after nearly 3 months!
D: you're kidding! What was his excuse this time?
J: He said that he'd dislocated his elbow playing football 2 days after he'd seen me and that he'd been in hospital and rehab and couldn't text or phone!
D: 'Pathetic’ is the only word that comes to mind -they never cease to amaze me. The funniest thing of all is that they seem to have all attended the same school of bullshit.
J: oh how funny - I like the idea that men have to go to school somewhere to learn how to be an arsehole - god knows they don't start out that way. I think Chris must have gone to the same school as well and they all got top marks but none of them graduated with honours!

Mandy: c'mn Grim we're going up to look down the top of the mine shaft where the secret of the universe is going to be revealed
Grim: err...I'm not sure that's such a good idea. The secret of the universe was never meant to be revealed to mortal man......
Billy: why not?
Grim: because you'll do something stupid with it

oops...it's getting worse!

view from my balcony Feb 2009

'you're building a volcano mum!'
'hey, it's supposed to be a snowman...'
'haha trust me it looks more like a volcano!'
'is everyone a critic?'
'well it's an awesome volcano'
'thanks darling'

handbags and gladrags...

F: so did you manage to break up with your counsellor this morning?
J: well not exactly
F: why what happened?
J: well I said I didn't really want to go anymore and she asked why not so I told her that I was bored to death with talking about myself
F: ok
J: but then she said that boredom isn't about being bored and that it was interesting that I was bored and that we should explore that further!
F: that's hilarious!
J: I know! We did have an interesting discussion about a dream I had last night though
F: really? what was it about?
J: well apparently handbags in women's dreams are very significant
F: why is that?
J: because women carry everything in their handbags so in a dream it represents....
F: their whole life?
J: exactly.
F: so what happened to your handbag in your dream?
J: I left it in a bar!

J: I've got to see my counsellor tomorrow and I've decided to tell her that I don't want to see her any more...
F: Really?
J: Yeah...I'm going to tell her that it's not her, it's me - I'm the one who's changed
F: haha that's probably the kindest thing... why have you decided to do that?
J: to be perfectly honest I can't stand talking about myself any more - turns out I'm not half as interesting as I thought I was!
F: well I could have told you that!

J: so how was the latest date?
G: well she wasn't french after all - she was just born there. She's just got divorced and she didn't stop gabbing on about it all evening - why do women do that?
J: I don't know... maybe she was confusing you with someone who cared?
G: oh good point but what are you supposed to do in those circumstances?
J: why don't you do what all other men do?
G: what's that?
J: pretend to be interested - it's what we call a lie. Men lie to get laid - see the connection there?
G: I didn't think you approved of that! She did also tell me that she's an ex-ballerina and an ex- dancer
J: and an ex-wife? Seems all her best bits are behind her - did you check out her ass?
G: yes ...it was rather large
J: well there you go....

upstairs the elephant

Dance me into the moonlight baby
Dance me back to your room
Give me some light in this world full of night
And don’t let the dream end too soon

Laughter and love were ever your muse
And your tongue told of passion so sweet
Whilst upstairs the elephant kicked off his shoes
And tried opening his crisps with his feet

Kiss the smile on my face baby
Kiss the smile in my heart
Find me a place in this world full of space
And don’t let life pull us apart

'Nothing can touch us' that’s what I said
But no-one’s bulletproof forever it seems
Whilst upstairs the elephant lay down his head
And we danced all night long in our dreams

lost luggage