Thunder and Lightning

 I liked your lightning but not your thunder

all that noise drowned out the joy 

destroyed the wonder

I have scant memories of you and me

but fewer still of us and we...

Best dog, best friend

Honestly, I don't know if there's an afterlife but no-one deserved their wings more than you Leo. Thank you for being the best company and the sweetest friend. "Everyone thinks they have the best dog. And none of them is wrong". 

So I'll say 'Night night' again tonight and every night baby boy, as I have for 3 whole years, just in case you can hear me. 

Because love is forever and true hearts never die

 

Tuskyn's Prayer

May the great spirit mother of this world and the next welcome dear Tuskyn into her loving arms and hold him safe with all our babies who have gone before, until we meet them again. May he feel our love go with him on his journey and know he lives forever in our hearts and that his light still shines as brightly in all our lives 

Leo Lightning Strike

 

 

The saddest thing that I can think of right now is to not remember you, all the tears, the pain, the laughter and the joy, the thousands of times I kissed your head and told you that I loved you.You would look at me with those big brown eyes and I just knew I'd miss you all my life because time runs short with four legged friends

 

27 Jan 2012 - 07 Sept 2018

 

Emotional Dementia

Bitterness is anger that's forgotten to forgive
Now love simply can't remember where it used to live
Anger is just pain that never took the time to heal
That's what tends to happen when it hurts too much to feel

Half a lie

I want to believe you
You know that I do
But half a truth's
Still half a lie
Life's too short
For half a measure
Love in haste
Repent at leisure

Leo

I still have all the love that couldn't save you
Wrapped up in all the years life never gave you
So much of pain starts out as pleasure
Time hurts and heals in equal measure
I miss your face, I miss your grace
But hope you know I've kept your place
Some hearts are born and some we make
Those hearts that love won't let us break
The heart you grew still lives in me
And I'm grateful for your company

10 tons

You've been killing me
but not with kindness
had 10 tons of love
but only hate could bind us
10 tons of love
still only tears could find us


10 tons of love
9 tons too much ...

is it a bird?

Conversation in the car on the way to school...
Zach: Sorry I was late this morning but I saw a beautiful bird in the garden and I stopped to take a photo. You're always telling me to notice beautiful things...
Me: Oh of course! What sort of bird was it?
Zach: It was one of those birds that look like a penguin...I don't know what they're called
Me: Pretty sure we don't have any birds that look like penguins visit our garden! What colour was it?
Zach: It was black and white
Me: Do you mean a magpie?!

Zach: Yeah that's it!

Zach is currently studying Maths, Further Maths and Chemistry for A-Levels - but not ornithology it would seem!

Remember now?

Sometimes out of the corner of my eye
I catch a glimpse of dreams I used to cherish
covered in dust
bright light dimmed
unloved, forgotten and discarded
what would it take to resurrect them?
do I have the strength or inclination?
I should have done better
shouldn't have been so scared
shouldn't have taken the path of least resistance
I shouldn't have left my dreams behind


who wrote that?
oh yeah I remember now
...it was me!

change in the whether

Used to be that I would wake up in the morning and wonder whether I was going to get shouted at today whether I had committed some great unforgivable sin whilst I was sleeping that would mean that I deserved to be shouted at and humiliated whether I would say something innocuous that would start WW3 or maybe I would make a joke that would offend some small part of his ego that would ruin the whole day and maybe the following day and many days to come or maybe he would have had a dream about me and in that dream I'd not been very nice...or he'd see a news item that would hit a nerve and he would remember something I'd done years ago that he didn't approve of and that would be all the excuse he'd need to lash out at me.
Well I don't wonder 'whether' any more I just wonder when

Sometimes

Sometimes missing you hits me like a huge unexpected wave that knocks me off my feet
other times it just catches my breath
and for a moment or two I forget how to breathe
until I remember how...
I remember how missing you 
is as easy as breathing
and sometimes...
it's as hard

Lost and Found

When I was Diamond, you were Gold
The greatest story never told
We thought time's bell would never ring
But I was Summer, you were Spring
The Day was mine, you held the Night
Then all we ever did was fight
Love's young dream that ran aground
When both get Lost, no-one gets Found

Nic

I just found out you died Nic.
I don't know how to process that information. They say you died in your sleep but I don't know if you took your life or had it taken... I just know that they say you've gone...
I haven't seen you in ages Nic I kept thinking I must get in touch but things have been so difficult and I was embarrassed to tell you so it was easier to keep putting it off...
I can't cry Nic because if I cry it means it's real and I can't have that be real. You can't be gone Nic. You always said that we were 'besties'. You said I saved your life a couple of years ago and I know that you saved mine. So you can't go Nic because I still need you and there were so many things I didn't tell you. You were so brilliant Nic. I quote you all the time Nic, I tell Zach about the things you say and how smart and clever you are with words. I told you once that I believed that words were 'things' and you said straight away 'Yes they are!'. You always 'get me' Nic we can talk for hours and we always 'get' each other. You're dyslexic but you understand words so brilliantly. You say that people don't really understand words because they don't listen to the actual word, that words tell you what they really mean if you break them down and it's often not what we think. You say that every word that starts with 'con' is actually a con - like confidence and contrite and contender. You said 'people say that everything is impossible, improbable or imperfect but I tell them that I'm possible, I'm probable and I'm perfect'. You are perfect Nic don't make me say that you were... I'm not ready to say that.
Oh god Nic ... I think I'm going to cry

when your words come back to haunt you...

Zach: Mum you seem really stressed these days
J: I know - I'm just worrying about Leo
Zach: But you always tell me it's pointless to worry as it doesn't help...
J: Yeah I do say that don't I...

Harder to do...

It really is futile for us to keep trying
you think it's a game but it's not
I love you too much to let you keep lying
I know you too well in case you forgot

You say she's a figment of my imagination
you say that I'm crazy and losing my mind
but I've played this out in another location
and no-one's a winner you'll find

I've shed tears for me
but cried more for you
you were my baby
you'd always be true
but life has a way
of curing the innocent
truth's easy to say
but harder to do...

Can't spend every day checking the veracity
of words that you speak in the dead of the night
if you want trust you should show some fidelity
I know in my heart when something's not right

When did I stop being someone you looked to
to tell you the truth of who you'd become?
when did I start being someone you'd lie to?
the web that you weaved has all come unspun

I've shed tears for me
but cried more for you
you were my baby
you'd always be true
but life has a way
of curing the innocent
truth's easy to say
but harder to do...

Nirvana - a poem by Zach

Your eyelids expand, today is young
You walk in the forest
Intoxicating gusts of wind constricting you

Silence; music to my mind
Tranquil rage, I don't conform.
Elegant gusts of wind tell you of days before.

Ecstatic bursts of winter
So pleasing; confusing.
Winter projects upon you

Constant shivering; confusion.
You are blind to external,
Now you can see.

The cold grasps your soul.
Embrace it and you live the external.
Forever in debt to your pain...

You are still confused, the cold is rewarding.
You feel the warmth embrace you.
You accept the frost as you live in sun.

You have reached Nirvana, You see with both eyes

Instadventure

Zach: Mum your instagram account makes it look like your whole life is one big adventure!
J: I know!
Zach (giggling uncontrollably): but in reality all you're doing is walking Leo to the same field every day and taking pictures in different kinds of weather!
J (also giggling uncontrollably): I know - it's hilarious. I reckon that's what everyone does!

https://instagram.com/julesjacie/

my sweet squirrel

what it's not ...

I know what this is
I know what it's not
I know what I gave
I know what I got
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
while you made an art
out of yes meaning no